Why Have You Never Been Married?
So this question is one I get frequently. It usually starts with the standard question, are you married? You see in America, the script we’re supposed to follow says that as an adult you’re supposed to get married. So the question always starts there and then of course they assume that I must have been divorced. When they found out I haven’t been divorced, I get the statement/question in that weird and confusing tone, so you’ve NEVER been married?
Now the tone of that statement is always weird and it’s a really heavily loaded statement because it packs another question inside of it, which is what the hell is wrong with you? It’s an especially fun line to get on a first date. Because obviously I must have wanted to get married, it’s what people do, so if I didn’t there must be something wrong with me.
When people push and really want an answer to this question I have several options. I can go with what Bukowski said:
I could go with my granny’s theory on the subject, which is that the reason I’m not married is that my parent’s codependent wreck of a recurring marriage soured me on the idea. I loved my granny but insight into the complexities of my twisted mind was not her strength. Happily, and luckily for me, her strength was utter and complete unconditional love.
I could go with what most people quickly assume, I have a fear of commitment. I find this one particularly offensive if I’m being honest.
I could go with the quick answer that I often give, it’s near the truth and seems to satisfy people well enough to end the question. That answer, is that the timing was never right, I never met the right woman at the right time. And that answer is pretty close to the truth. The added layer is that marriage was never a priority for me. You see that script I mentioned at the beginning, that society has set out for us, well I’ve never really bought into it. Had I found the right woman at the right time I would have been happy to have gotten married. Of course, anyone who knows me, knows that any marriage I would have been part of would have not been standard fare.
But given that marriage wasn’t a priority, and the realities of my nomad existence, that I never got married is no real surprise. I wrote a piece a last night about Marriage and Love and talked about how to me true love is true acceptance. I’ve been blessed enough to feel that once, but the situation and the timing were unfortunate and so it never happened. But I can tell you, that level of acceptance was magnificent and changed my life.
What my point is in doing this post tonight comes down to this. We don’t all follow the standard script. Because someone has taken a different path doesn’t make them wrong or weird and we should stop making them feel that way. And please, stop saying to women who aren’t married, “but don’t you want to have children.” It’s such a loaded statement, what they rightfully here is, my god if you don’t have children soon you’re a complete loser who has wasted their life. Please stop making people feel bad because they’ve made a choice different from the one you made, or the one society tells us should have been made.