The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. ~ Thomas Paine
What I Learned this Year
As I’ve relayed here the last year, and in fact now about the last fifteen months, have been a very challenging time for me, I might argue, the hardest year of my adult life. Happily, some things are getting wrapped up and I’ve had a little bit of luck lately, nothing I’m willing to discuss publicly yet, but soon, hopefully soon. Tough times have a tendency to also be learning, or in some cases, re-learning experiences. So tonight I want to talk a little about the things I’ve learned. How is this happiness related? Well, the more you learn about how life is and works, the better you can navigate a simpler, kinder and happier path.
Family is not determined by blood – This is something I’ve always known. While yes, there are people who are blood relatives who are family, some can even be the best, my granny comes to mind. There are plenty of people who are blood related that really bring nothing positive to your life. When my mom passed, not a single aunt, uncle or first cousin on that side of the family related by blood, reached out to me to offer condolences. One did sent a bitchy note about an error in the obituary but that was it.
You don’t know who you can count on – Having heart surgery, the single hardiest and scariest thing I’ve ever gone through was incredibly eye opening. First, some people I really care about, who I thought were really close to me, completely disappeared from my life during that time. And I really thought I would be pretty much on my own during recovery, but in fact, far more people than I expected showed up for me. They visited, took me to doctor’s appointments, brought me food, helped me move furniture and plants and generally just wouldn’t leave me alone. So much so that I had to dial them back because I wasn’t getting the alone time I needed for my mental health. I was and am really grateful for them all.
The length of relationships are irrelevant – This year I’ve had a couple of twenty plus year relationships crash and burn. It seems that the time put in doesn’t buy you what you think it does. That in fact, one bad conversation and a relationship can go up in flames.
Fairness matters in every relationship – One of the things that all of us have experienced is that there are some relationships where we are the one that always make the effort. You’re the one who calls, texts, visits and the other person, no matter how good things are when you are together, just never makes the effort. And the point that always pushes it over the edge for me is when they make it clear they know and feel they’re entitled to you making all of the effort. In every relationship, there’s an imbalance in caring and/or effort and that’s fine. The problem develops when the imbalance gets large, or the other person is just not thankful for the effort. A quote I saw recently, if you’ve given them everything and it doesn’t seem to matter, give them your absence.
Want things to get better take action – One of the things that happens to me when things get really bad and I’m overloaded is that I shutdown. I still go to work, do the things that are required of me, but that’s it, outside of that I basically shutdown and find myself watching too much TV and laying down and listening to podcasts and music. For me, in those instances, the big thing is just to get started, to take action in any significant way on any worthwhile thing. That action alone makes a huge difference.
Taking care of yourself is never optional – This is one that I seem to have to learn over and over in my life. You can’t get carried away with working, or job searching, or dealing with responsibilities that you forget to live. We’re not here just to deal with the things we have to do, we need beauty, relaxation, fun, silliness and all of the things that make life truly worth living.
Health matters and that includes mental health – We all know the expression, if you have your health you have everything and it’s mostly true. It’s really the reverse that’s true because when you’re not healthy you have nothing because it takes over your life. The thing is, people are usually only talking about their physical health and I’m here to say that your mental health is equally as important. For me over the last year, post surgery recovery, my physical health has been good. What has really made this year so hard was the mental strain. Learning to reduce stress, take breaks, control your thoughts and do what you need to do to keep your emotional balance is every bit as important as that apple a day that keeps the doctor away.
Patience may be a virtue, but it’s hard as hell – Patience is really hard for me, in some ways, I’m really weird about it. I once took four years to find the right time to ask a woman out and it turned into a decent relationship for a time. At other levels waiting a day for something drives me nuts. Especially when you’ve starting taking action to make things better, you know you’re doing the right thing, you know what’s next and what’s coming, but waiting for it to work out is bloody hard, but unfortunately necessary.
Karma comes in her own time, on her own schedule – This one I know, I understand but it still frustrates the hell out of me. I believe fully in Karma, personally I just thinks it’s the reality of Newton’s basic laws on a personal interaction and emotional level. But the timing is really hard, I’ve watched people escape their Karma for far too long, but the bit of solace I do take is that it does always come.
Beauty always matters – If you follow me on Instagram you know that I routinely post flower pictures that I take, and this does reach back to the mental health piece, beauty matters. Finding some bit of beauty in each and every day can just make existence better and help us all have happier days my friends. ~ Rev Kane
The Ministry of Happiness 