Loneliness is different than isolation and solitude. Loneliness is a subjective feeling where the connections we need are greater than the connections we have. In the gap, we experience loneliness. It’s distinct from the objective state of isolation, which is determined by the number of people around you. ~ Vivek Murthy

Happiness, Loneliness and Connection

Many studies on happiness have come to the same conclusion, connection is the key to real happiness and a lack of those types of deep connections leads to loneliness. What most studies show these days is that while people highly value friendships, researchers also report that in America people are increasingly having fewer and fewer close friends.

Lately I’m really feeling this trend impacting me personally. I have some great friends, one I even credit with saving my sanity if not my life by being there for me at one of the lowest points of my life. The problem I face is two-fold, first is related to a negative consequence of being the nomad that I am. I’ve made incredible friends in different places and chapters in my life. But often I geographically move on which means I have a lot of physical distance between me and those good friends. Secondly, as you get older your life gets more complicated and of course as they get older it’s the same. People have partners, children, jobs, businesses they are running. Increasingly people as they get older have both responsibilities of taking care of children as well as older parents. All of these things eat up your life and often it’s hard to carve out time to connect with people we care about. It’s of course easier if they are down the road or across town. It’s easier to co-mingle your responsibilities with your friend time if you’re at least in the same area code.

So the simple fact of my life is that what I am dealing with right now is a connection gap in my life. I still have people who I am deeply connected to, it’s evident in the way we connect when we have that chance. These are people, who when you meet up with them, it feels like no time has gone by and time goes by too quickly. These are the people who when they show up on your caller ID, you always pick up.

One of the things I enjoy the most in these close relationships are the deep conversations we have. I’m someone who is a deep thinker and I like, hell I crave the opportunity to have these type of conversations. Particularly with people who you don’t have to be guarded with because they know you really are inside. This is what is missing given my current reality. I’m on the precipice of huge decisions, I’m retiring from my job, moving across the country, finding a new place to live. As you can imagine there are a million decisions I’m making and I’m missing the opportunity to run these down with people that matter to me, people who’s opinions and ideas I respect.

Given all of our life realities right now, our contacts are a quick email, message or text, or a like on social media or a quick response to post. I don’t fault any of them for that, as I stated above, we all have complicated and busy lives and even live in different time zones for an added complication. But this doesn’t erase my need for connection, nor the impact not having it has on my level of happiness and my mood.

And what I’m describing to you is becoming common for a lot of aging people in our society. Often, due to divorce or the death of a partner, more and more people are finding themselves on their own for the first time. They are becoming isolated from previous social connections, and are finding with our social media focused society that connections are increasingly virtual, text message and meme driven. Even phone calls are becoming something people just don’t do.

We all need to find ways to connect, and not just at a surface level. It’s not easy, how do you make new friends as a single, senior citizen. The best route is through organizations, volunteering with events, basically finding ways to connect with something you enjoy, that can allow you to make new social connections. And that sounds great, but the actuality of doing it can be quite difficult. And as social connections get harder, and virtual connections get easier, it’s often just to easier to sit at home and scroll on your phone.

As I move into the next chapter of my life, one of the big considerations for me, as I will need to work for insurance purposes for another five years, is working at or being near a four-year university. Through the cultural and sporting events a college offers, I see a way of being involved with others and hopefully making new connections and avoiding the social isolation that can literally be deadly as we grow older.

So my message tonight, we all have these connections, our lives get busy and we don’t maintain them the way we should, so after you read this, drop an email a real email or better yet make a phone call or even make plans to get together. We’ve all lost people we were close to because we didn’t maintain those relationships, they’re important, don’t lose another one. Keep those people close and you’ll have happier days my friends. ~ Rev Kane