If you’re out there can you touch me
Can you see me I don’t know
If you’re out there can you reach me
And lay a flower in the snow

– Robbie Robertson, Fallen Angel

Isn’t the Garden Enough?

Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? ~ Douglas Adams

The Douglas Adams quote above feels particularly relevant to me right now. First, a side note on why I love Douglas Adams so much. He was an individual who was just weird enough, just at enough of a different angle from the the rest of us, that he was able to see us and our behavior in it’s truest form and then promptly, make complete fun of us. But he did it all in the most magnificent and imaginative way. If you have never read the Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy series, you are truly missing out on some of the most imaginatively original literature ever written.

Right now I’m spending a lot of time contemplating life, watching both of your parents decline, both likely soon to be gone, while being six months out from open heart surgery will do that to a boy. And I feel much like the whale from Hitchickers, the whale, snapped into existence, while falling from a great distance, only to work a bit of it out before it goes splat. That’s exactly how I feel right now, like that poor whale, figuring just a few things out, caught in the falling reality of inevitability and obligation and about to hit the ground and go splat!

I’d love to tell you that this situation has given me some sort of new perspective on life, that it’s allowed me as I careen toward the ground to figure things out, it hasn’t. My current situation has left me a zombie, sleep walking through obligation and becoming as numb to everything as I have ever been.

In this darkening fog I have only one piece of advice, the darker and the harder it becomes, the more important it is to bring light and happiness to others. A very simple example from my last week of what I’m talking about. My hotel was across the street from a Cracker Barrel restaurant. I had scanned the menu on line and decided what I wanted to have for dinner so I drove over. It was really cold in NY this last week and I’d decided on a steak and shrimp plate for dinner, but more than that I wanted a salad and I was really excited about a bowl of chicken soup with crackers. One of my absolutely comfort foods and after several days of bureaucracy, paperwork and dealing with my mother’s declining condition, I just wanted a comfortable meal. I went in, the waitress working my section was insanely busy and working hard. When she made her way to me I gave her my order and when I got to the chicken soup she said, “we don’t have it tonight.” I told her she just ruined my night, it was why I was there, and then I laughed and explained it was par for the course the way my week was going. She seemed truly sorry and when my meal came asked if there was anything else I needed and I asked for a couple of pats of butter for my potato. When she came out she dropped an entire bowl of butter pats on my table, giggled and I don’t know why but I found this hysterical and burst out laughing. I also realized in that moment that it was the first time that I laughed in days. I wanted to repay that little kindness and I tipped her $20 and thanked her for giving me a laugh.

The harder it gets for you, the nicer you should be to others. ~ Rev Kane