Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. ~ Norman Cousins

Sometimes you just go numb

The last two years have been hard. I went from being in a place where I had a planned retirement date, I had a post retirement plan, I was still traveling a little bit, sure my job was killing me, but there was an end date, and I’ve always said you can handle almost anything if you know when it’s going to end.

Then things kind of went upside down. Not Stranger Things upside down, but upside down none-the-less. First, my heart surgery that I thought would be a couple of years off suddenly wasn’t. Then it bounced from on again, off again, on again to delayed and finally to happening. So that meant a year delay in all of my plans, but I could start moving again this fall. So I was just starting to get things moving again and my mom’s illness took a pretty nasty turn, more about this in my last post, Happiness and Loss. So things went on hold again and my mom has passed now, but it’s the holidays and I need to be moving to a job after I retire in order to have insurance, given the horrid state of insurance coverage in this country. And in terms of the higher education hiring cycle November to mid-January is the absolute slowest hiring time of the year. And given issues with the federal government and it’s impact on higher education right now that has tamped down hiring even more than usual.

So the overwhelming thing that I’ve been dealing with is this feeling that I’m stuck in limbo. I’m not happy in my current life situation and I know how to change and improve it, but things just keep sticking me in amber until I can’t move.

The quote at the start of the piece is really meaningful to me, I’m looking at where I currently am, right at this moment as the end of the last chapter. Well, at least after next week when I have my six month post-surgery appointment with my cardiologist. The good news is that she’s already emailed me to tell me the results of all the tests look good, so I believe I’m rightfully optimistic it’s a clean appointment.

So, as I’m resolving my mom’s estate and moving forward with my heart health, it’s time to turn a page.

This is something at times we all have to do, I’ve done it a number of times already. My first chapter was my twisted childhood. Chapter two was leaving for college and becoming an alcoholic and and addict. Chapter three was recovery and depression. Chapter four was adventure and healing. Chapter five was COVID and limbo. Let’s hope Chapter six will be the flight of the Phoenix.

Starting over is never easy, but honestly, it’s always resulted in moving forward. I’ve focused a lot in the past in helping, leading and taking care of others. My sixth and likely final chapter needs to be a bit more selfish. It has to be this way, because at the end of the day we’re always alone, always the only one responsible for our own happiness. Achieving it, often requires hard work and sacrifice, but is almost always worth the effort.

On to Chapter six and no longer feeling numb. ~ Rev Kane