Superstition is to religion what astrology is to astronomy the mad daughter of a wise mother. These daughters have too long dominated the earth. ~ Voltaire

It’s not the thought that counts

What we say matters, and very often we throw around sayings that we suggest don’t mean anything, but say more about who we are, then we want to admit. There are several sayings that I hear all of the time that really illuminate this point, and quite frankly annoy the hell out of me. The first one is, wow, things have been nuts lately, Mercury must be in retrograde. The other one, in the same realm is, I’m sorry that happened, but what is meant to be, is meant to be. I have problems with all of these. But the one that really hits this point the hardest, is, it’s the thought that counts.

First let’s talk about Mercury being in retrograde, what a massive pile of hokum. People talk about astrology all of the time, and when you push them they say, no, no it’s just fun. But is that true? If you notice, people only say oh, that makes sense your a Scorpio, ONLY after they know your birth date. For me, they often get it wrong, they get my birth date and say oh, of course, you’re a Libra, I’m not, I’m a Virgo. Then they pivot, oh, so you’re a cusp person so that makes sense. It’s all bullshit, ask them before they know your birth date what sign you are, they rarely get it right. Horoscopes at newspapers are rarely written by hard researching astrologers, but by the same people that write fortune cookie fortunes, that being some corporate writer tasked with a job. And they are always Barnum statements, don’t believe me, read the wrong astrological sign description and watch how it still applies. I know, I know, you don’t believe them, they’re just for fun, what’s the big deal?

The other statement, whatever happened is supposed to happened is another one I really don’t like. This fatalism attitude is also something people don’t truly believe. My mother was always fond of this, so while I was driving on an interstate she said this once. I replied she didn’t really believe it, she insisted she did. So I said, if we’re meant to reach our destination we will, no matter what? She said yes, so I stepped on the gas, closed my eyes and took my hands off the steering wheel. She quickly started yelling what are you doing and reached for the steering wheel. Why do that, if it’s all preordained? Again, saying whatever happened is meant to be belies a deeper belief.

The believe underlying both of these ideas is that you are not responsible for the outcomes in your life. If it’s not your fault, well, you not only don’t have to do anything to change things, your efforts won’t matter if you make them. Once it’s not your fault, it has to be someone or something else’s fault. In Astrology it’s the stars, in fatalism it’s the universe or God or whatever you believe in and if not them, well, it’s a short jump to it’s my parent’s fault, the government’s fault, rich people’s fault, those other people’s fault which then easily leads to bigotry and hatred.

But most importantly, once you give up responsibility for your life, you no longer have the responsibility for change. So if you’re unhappy, well, that’s just the way it is. But we know that is not true, don’t we. We know we can lose weight, we can get more fit, we can take medications to control mental illness. We know, if we get enough sleep and eat well and exercise, we feel better than if we don’t. So I can hear you, lighten up Rev, we’re just making a joke. But how we talk, and particularly how we talk about ourselves, is incredibly important. Self-talk works on our brain and our thought patterns. Studies show that self talk has a big impact on our lives and can be controlled. So those constant jokes we make about not being in control of our lives and our happiness, can truly convince us we aren’t in control and unhappiness is inevitable, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When I’m coaching and counseling folks I often talk about self talk. One simple exercise I give to people is to start the day positively. When you first get up in the morning, walk into the bathroom, look into the mirror, look right into your own eyes and talk positively to yourself. Tell yourself you’re competent, strong, resilient that you’re going to have a happy day my friends. It sounds silly but over time it can have a real positive impact on your life and your happiness.

One last phrase I want to address, is, it’s the thought that counts. What a bunch of malarkey! Look, I get the well meaning point of the saying. It’s meant to address things like fruit cake at Christmas. Yes, I think the world pretty much universally agrees, that most fruit cake is awful, too dense, too sweet, sometimes weirdly spiced, most people would rather get a piece of coal, at least you could burn that for heat. And I know, someone reading this will be like, I love fruit cake, good for you, let us know in the comments with your address and next year we’ll all send you our fruit cake gifts. But the point is of course, that irrespective of the quality of the gift, you should be thankful someone thought enough of you and enough about you, to give you a gift. And that is true, but tell that to the kid on Christmas who just got a pair of socks, or 12 year-old me who just got his third bottle of cologne. Of course, maybe I just smelled bad?!

I’m not really talking about bad gifts, but often people have taken the thought that counts a bit further. They’ve taken it to the point that they believe thinking takes the place of action. Thinking about visiting your granny is a nice thought, but it does nothing for her. What matters is taking the action of going to visit your granny. People let themselves off the hook by saying I thought about doing something that matters, and even though I didn’t do it, I’m still a good grandchild, spouse, friend and/or human because I had the thought, and the it’s the thought that counts.

This idea comes up a lot for me in life, and honestly it’s the one place where I really beat on myself. I have lots of good ideas. One that hits me that I often act on is when I’m in the cafeteria on campus I’ll often just pay for the lunch of the student in line in front of me, especially if they hesitate at all or seem like maybe they might not have enough funds. But I have lots of ideas like this, one I have in regards to the Ministry of Happiness, is to just send out random cards to people from the ministry saying, hey, you matter, you’re important, have a happy day. But I don’t, it’s a great thought, but without the action it doesn’t really matter.

So I really want to change the saying and the perspective. From now on what I’d prefer is:

It’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action that matters. ~ Rev Kane