Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. ~ Mother Teresa

Tonight a post for the lonely people, sure, might benefit you all but I’m writing specifically to the lonely amongst us. First off, I’m one of you, haven’t always been. But lately I find myself feeling pretty lonely. It’s not something I’m unfamiliar with, there’s a reason my favorite Beatles’ songs is Eleanor Rigby. Being lonely from time to time is natural for all of us, it’s when you start feeling and being lonely all the time that the bad things can happen. Loneliness is both at an epidemic level in America and can lead to a large number of negative mental and physical outcomes. These can include anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and even premature death. It has become a major issue for older Americans in particular, but younger Americans (18 – 30) are reporting increasing rates of loneliness.

Let’s talk about what loneliness is. People have a tendency to think of loneliness in only one way, a lack of social interaction. It’s the same uni-dimensional way they often think of people being introverted. But loneliness is not determined by the frequency of social interaction. I can tell you honestly, sometimes the loneliest I feel is in the middle of a social interaction, a condition my fellow introverts will likely identify with. Loneliness is about having deep social connections. So while someone to have a drink or coffee with is nice and certainly helps a bit. What cures loneliness is having contact with people in your life where you can connect on a deeper level. To say it another way, people you can be your true self with, without fear of judgement or rejection. The type of people you can tell anything, people who may disagree with you, but will never judge you or reject you. Understandably, most of us have only a few people in our life who fit this definition. And the frequency of interaction with them does matter, but those people have a tendency to be in contact enough.

One of the reason that seniors in America are increasingly facing loneliness is that often those people in their lives are spouses and close longtime friends. As you get older unfortunately, people die and older folks can often lose all of the people they have deep connections with. Suddenly finding yourself living alone without those you are most deeply connected with can make people feel deeply lonely. And it’s not so easy to find these people in the first place and so much harder when you’re retired, less mobile and living alone. It’s hard at any level to make friends but harder when you get older, sixty year-old guys don’t just walk down the street, see another old dude and say, “hey let’s me and you be friends.” Maybe we should, we might learn a bit from the toddlers I get to interact with at our Child Development Center, because they’ll do exactly that, just walk up to another person and ask them to be friends.

So what do you do if you’re feeling lonely. The first thing, like any issue, is to admit that it’s an issue for you and actively work to correct it. While social interaction doesn’t eliminate loneliness on it’s own, having more social interactions give you more opportunities to encounter and connect with people who may become the type of friend you need to help alleviate your loneliness. So participating in volunteering opportunities, joining social groups or even taking classes can help you find people who can make you feel less lonely. While social media can be a desert of real connection, it can also be a way to connect with people. Utilizing social media by joining specific groups where you can talk about things you’re interested in can be a way to connect with like minded people without the venom associated with social media political interaction. Finally, loneliness like any other issue is exacerbated by us not being at our best. So we must always come back to the basics, are you eating right, sleeping enough, exercising and feeling safe in your environment. And always, if you’re doing what you can and it’s not helping, then seeing a professional counselor can certainly help.

It’s also important to carefully plan your life and situation to avoid social isolation. Plan ways to make sure you’re interacting with people and putting yourself in situations where you can find opportunities to be more social, again, increasing your chances of making those deeper connections. For me this is relevant to me in terms of my plans for retirement. I’ll need to work for a few years until I reach medicare age. So my plan is to take a job at a four-year institution at a lower level working directly with students. As dear as community college education is to my heart, a four-year college will afford many more opportunities to attend sporting events, art and cultural events as well as opportunities to listen to speakers coming to campus. These are the activities I hope to you use to prevent myself from becoming socially isolated in retirement.

Finally friends, it’s scary but never be too afraid to reach out and take some chances on people. Someone may seem pleasant, but not the type of person you would normally deeply connect with, go have a cup of coffee or a meal anyway. Occasionally people might surprise you or even through them you might meet someone you can make a deeper connection with and then hopefully, you’ll have happier days my friends. ~ Rev Kane