I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. ~ The Bene Gesserit, (Frank Herbert, Dune)

Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: The Fear

So one of the questions I frequently get about my upcoming surgery is, are you afraid? What people want from me in that moment is some brave statement, or minor fear, so they can say everything will be alright and move on. But that’s not the answer I’ve been giving, because in fact, I’m fucking terrified. Now, the logical Vulcan half of my brain is pretty confident, there is a 95% or better chance that I come through this surgery just fine. I have an excellent surgeon and as I mentioned in my last post I’m very happy with the my health care system. So I have confidence that I’ll come through this fine. I understand the power of positive thinking and visualization and I’ve been envisioning waking up in recovery, the process of recovering and I can see it clearly in my mind.

But I’m also a very thorough planner. So as such I have to plan for if it doesn’t, that’s not an easy thing to do, because it means preparing for my potential imminent death. So I’m working through some arrangements, I’ve completed my will, I’ll be leaving some notes behind for people. I mean, they are going to stop my heart for several hours.

So when people ask me about the surgery and say some vague pleasantry like, I hope it goes well, I usually reply, me too, if not don’t worry about it, I’ll be dead. Some people find this to be macabre humor, others are just completely thrown off. And that’s because we try like hell not to ever think about death, I wish my brain would allow for that. I also wish my brain let me believe in an afterlife, I don’t. So if it’s over, I believe it’s over. So yes, I’m completely terrified at an existential level, but hoping, and even planning on things going well. But it’s a complicated space I’m in right now, and so I write, it’s how I process, and I return to the quote above, and the greatest thing I’ve ever seen written about fear, The Bene Gesserit Litany on Fear, written by the great Frank Herbert.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.