I’m not sad about any of my life. It’s so unconventional. It doesn’t look anything like I thought it would. ~ Edie Falco

Moments of Happiness

In the last couple of years in the media there have been a lot of articles taking a different tack on happiness. It’s this idea that in fact pursuing happiness is making you unhappy. It’s the idea that people get so obsessed about being happy, that when they don’t achieve what they perceive as “happiness” then in fact they end up depressed. I really don’t like these articles, I think they miss some really obvious things.

The first thing they missed is that any obsession is almost certainly going to lead to unhappiness. Obsession by definition is going overboard, pushing further than you should, being overly concerned with something. Whether it’s obsessively, gambling, shopping or even obsessive romantic feelings these types of obsessions lead people to doing things that harm themselves. So an obsession with happiness is also very likely to be a bad thing.

The other issue that they fail to discuss in these articles is a discussion about how to define happiness. Part of the problem with searching for happiness, is most people don’t take the time to define what happiness will be for them. Society provides a definition, I call it “the script.” Society says that happiness is married, owning a house, having some kids, working till retirement then fishing a few years before you die. Honestly that has never seemed all that satisfying to me. And of course, happiness is a very individual thing. So for some people, “the script” might be the epitome of joy and happiness but my life and desires are much more unconventional.

So the first thing you need to do, if you’re pursuing happiness, is to define what that will look like for you. Because pursuing a goal, without knowing what that goal looks like is bound to lead to disappointment. So you need to know what that end point looks like. For me at this point in my life, it looks like a house, on a good chunk of land, someone to travel with and time with my nieces and nephews. An opportunity and time to do a lot of things I’ve never had time for and/or have wanted to do but not gotten around to doing. So painting, writing more, learning more about foraging and living a simpler, closer to the land life. Oh yeah and playing with some toys, a metal detector and a really good telescope and of course, a doing some Bigfoot expeditions. I’m working on getting there.

The other mistake I think people make, is thinking that happiness is a single destination. Like many of the things we pursue in life, our happiness goal will change as things change in our lives. Hell, at one point in my life happiness simply looked like being sober, at another time being out of debt, at some points just being with a person I loved. So the endpoint/goal will change over time, the pursuit of happiness doesn’t ever end, it morphs and changes over time. This does not make it some Sysiphean task that is a never ending exercise in hell. So what does it mean?

For me it’s two things, we pursue our end goal of happiness at all times, in reasonable ways when possible and hope to be living as close to that endpoint as much as possible. But equally importantly, we must learn to do two things that are related. First, we need to find joy and happiness in smaller and simpler things and we need to take the time to appreciate and enjoy them. Whether that’s something small and wonderful like walking over a hill to an area full of flowers, laying on a picnic table and watching clouds, or just a really good dessert, we need to be thoroughly present and enjoy those moments of happiness. Not all of them will be small, hundreds of them for me are tied to my little brother. His birth was a joyous day, and not just because the ice storm meant school was canceled for the day, I had always wanted a brother and I was getting one. We were inseparable when he was little, we wrestled and talked and listened to music together. We ran around outside and played like little kids, which he was, I was fifteen years older. But those early years of his life were filled with insane levels of happiness with him. We need to recognize when we’re in those times and truly understand and realize the joy we’re experiencing.

So my friends, define happiness, chase it, but not obsessively. And along the way take time to notice the small bits of happiness you experience and be present for them. Do this, and I promise you more happy days my friends. ~ Rev Kane