My New Book: Athena’s Addict
This is the single most deeply personal post I will likely ever do on the Ministry of Happiness. As I have talked about before, this blog started as a way to get out information about fighting depression and living a happier life. It has morphed over the years to serve that original mission by utilizing my own daily life as a vehicle for me to relate my own struggles, travels, victories and from time to time, like when my granny died and tonight, to illuminate something deeply personal in my life.
My latest book of poetry has been published, Athena’s Addict is live on Amazon in paperback and Kindle versions. This book is a deeply personal work, all of the poems in the book, 75 I believe, are all about one woman. These poems cover fifteen years of a “relationship” that went from acquaintance to love, to madness and back again, and now after fifteen or so years has turned into what I call Christmas Card friends. A term I use to describe those relationships we have with folks where all we do is say happy birthday and Merry Christmas and not much else. This is what I’ve written on the back of the book.
It was the best of times
it was the worst of times
the highest of highs
the lowest of lows
and through it all
my broken heart kept beating
this work, these poems, this book
my attempt at healing
a torn, tattered and broken organ
recovery through art
This woman I’ve written two books about, the first is a novel that will never see the light of day, did some amazing things for me. She imbued me with a confidence I never thought I could possess. Secondly, and most importantly, she accepted me in a way no one else ever has, and she accepted my words. For no reason I can identify, I was immediately willing to share my poetry with her and she appreciated it, criticized and accepted it. Because of her acceptance and later similar acceptance from my friend Shevonna, I came to be willing to share my writing and even to read publicly. The 75 poems in the book, selected works from the over 250 poems I’ve written about her, are as raw as my writing gets. Some express how much I loved her, some how angry I’ve been at her, gratitude, attraction, sex, dreams and jealousy are all well represented. She also broke my heart in multiple ways and multiple times, I’ve she more tears over her than anything else in my life. Finally, truly, she is the only person, the only thing that truly almost broke me. Had it not been for my good friend Kara, I’m not sure I would have survived her.
For those of you who have read much of my poetry on the blog or on Facebook you know her as the woman with the hazel eyes. She was the impossible woman, well before Dr. Who ever conceived of the idea, she is/was very likely the love of my life. She quite possibly has left me incapable of ever loving again, although I hope that I’m wrong. Our relationship was madness and addiction, we are forever connected, she married someone else on my birthday. The poems in the book tell the story more aptly than any narrative ever could.
Over the last two years I’ve finally dealt with the emotional and psychic complexities and realities of her and I, the reality that we have become Christmas Card friends and the haunting reality and horror of the words, what if. The book in some ways is a level of closure for me, not complete, I don’t think I’ll ever get there, but enough that I feel whole and well again, and have come to a semblance of peace around it all. Although honestly, this is less of returning to peace again and more of being at peace the first time in my life. This resolution I’ve come to, the last of the major issues that I’ve hung on to in my life, is the reason my psyche is so clean right now. It is the reason I was able to write the piece I did several weeks ago entitled, the happiest I’ve ever been. I have a level of contentment right now that might truly allow me to finally legitimately be considered the Minister of Happiness.
So if you like poetry with a lot of deep and raw emotion check out a copy of the book. The links above will take you to Amazon, or if you prefer a signed copy message me directly. The book is $9.99 on Amazon, $5.99 for the Kindle version. If you buy from me you get a signed copy for $15.00 or any two of my books signed for $25.00. My other two books are a book of poetry, Otherness and my story of hiking on the Appalachian Trail, Appalachian Trail Happiness.
I always try to tie these posts up at the end with a lesson you can take with you. I’m not sure I have one tonight beyond be patient. I have done a lot of work on myself over my life, I’ve been through a lot of hard times. Most of you have dealt with similar difficulties I’m sure. Do the work, be patient, I’m a living example that it may take until you are well into your fifties, but the work is worth it. You can be content and live a life full of happy days. I hope in some way to help you to get to the same place I’m at and have many happy days of your own my friends. ~ Rev Kane
Addicted to Her 05/23/08
She is liquid heroin to me
taking my distance
as I will often do
suffering the tremors of withdrawal
the pain of space, and time and distance
I begin to recover
crawling inch by inch
to that most tentative of safe spaces
Only to gain a taste
rekindling the addiction
the pain of need
the need of pain, of love, of together
sucked into the cycle
having to score a fix of her
again and again
obsessively doing whatever it takes
to have contact, a word, a scream
rock bottom is not so much a splat
but a thud
imbedded so deeply into the need
that there is nothing else