Despite all my rage I’m still just a rat in a cage. ~ Smashing Pumpkins

The World is a Vampire

A non-typical Ministry of Happiness post, on a non-typical posting night. Maybe the deepest and most personal post I’ve written for this blog. It will almost certainly be a bit intense, deep and likely bordering on stream of consciousness. Not for the feint of heart, or easily disturbed, you’ve been warned. Appropriately the picture above is me riding through San Francisco in a driverless robot death taxi.

CURRENT MOOD

Bullet With Butterfly Wings ~ Smashing Pumpkins

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know – I suppose I’ll show
All my cool and cold – like old Job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

What a fucking couple of weeks. Seriously, this has been as mentally as anguishing a period of time as I can remember for a very, very long time.

The source of it all is expectations. I’m a planner, although most people looking at my life from the outside think I’m a crazy risk taker I’m really not. I certainly push the envelope and get outside of my comfort zone, but my comfort zone, because of that, is a bit wider than most people’s. And yes, I do take risks but they’re calculated risks. What people don’t see is all of the often months of planning and preparation that go into the things I do. What they see are the photos on Instagram or Facebook and think, that dude is crazy. A great example of this is a post I once did, The World’s Dangerous Reverend, it’s a post featuring selfies I have with a polar bear in Canada and a king cobra in Africa.

So a couple of weeks ago I went for my annual cardiac assessment. I have two heart conditions an ascending aortic aneurysm and a bifurcated aortic valve. One if untreated kills me slow, one if untreated kills me fast, I’ve lived with that reality now for about eight years. And it’s why of course I have my annual assessments. It is a certainty at some point that they will crack me open like a lobster and do open heart surgery on me. So when I went in for my annual assessment I expected one of two likely outcomes, things progressing slowly worse, or oh shit, time to crack you open. Well, after my test, but before my consultation the results showed that the aortic stenosis caused by my valve defect had shifted into the moderate/severe range and that coupled with a cryptic message from my cardiologist largely convinced me it was lobster cracking time. But like I said, that was a result I was prepared for, but that was not what I got. Instead, I got an option I hadn’t considered, the old, let’s wait, check and see.

There’s a good reason to wait, I agree with my doctor and understand the reasoning. The younger you are when you get a valve replacement, the shorter the time it typically lasts, so instead of the 10 – 15 years you see listed, it’s typically 7-10, closer to 7 often. That means surgery now means surgery again at 67ish, and then my doctor said something that may have been the most surreal thing ever said to me. That typically they don’t do a third replacement, and after some research the literature says things about a third replacement like, poor mortality and increased morbidity. So effectively what my doctor said, and she wasn’t subtle about it, replacement now, another at 67 then we let you die at 74. This friends, will throw you into an immediate existential crisis. And while that was a pretty good slap to the head, it was in fact not what truly threw me for a loop.

You see I was prepared for surgery, had thought through what it meant for my impending retirement, it would have delayed it a year, I’d be off for three months recovering. I had even thought through all of the plans related to the recovery. Like I said above, I’m a planner and definitely an over thinker, but I have a brain that operates really quickly and so I work through all the options, every time. The other option I wasn’t just prepared for, but excited for. My plan was to retire, hike the Appalachian Trail for six months then work at a much less stressful job until I hit medicare age at sixty-five.

What I really hadn’t considered, a potential pathway I really missed is where I’m at, in limbo. No surgery, so that pathway is out. Can’t retire and hike the trail because now not knowing how fast my valve is degrading, we only have one data point, I can’t get caught on substandard insurance. If I were to hike the trail I’d be on the ACA and while that’s an amazing and wonderful thing that I’ve utilized several times, I want to be on the best insurance possible when having open heart surgery. You know, since they are going to stop my heart for a few hours, I want good surgeons and not to have to pay tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket. Welcome to the rat cage of health care in America.

Limbo means uncertainty and not to mix Christian afterlives, limbo for me is hell. I don’t like uncertainty at large levels. Hiking into town and not knowing if you’ll sleep in town or head back to the trail uncertainty, fine. Head to the French Quarter with no idea where we’re going to eat, fun time adventure. Not having any bloody idea what the plan is for my life over the next five years, absolute hell.

But I’m a planner and a problem solver so I’m all the way deep into what’s next. There are three main pathways facing me right now.

Pathway 1. Stay in my current job through to my assessment next October, then if things haven’t progressed retire from my current gig and make a move to a less stressful job back east. Of course that means staying in my current job for another year. And honestly, I have no idea if from a mental health perspective I can survive that. I work in a job where, like a lot of us face, there is raging incompetence. Of course we all deal with that in people we work for, people we work with and for those of us who manage people, in the people who work for us. There’s a term that is employed legitimately and far too often in my job, weaponized incompetence. This is where people claim to be unable to do something, or purposefully do it poorly so that someone will just come in and do it for you, so you don’t have to do it yourself. If you’re a parent you are very familiar with this concept, if a kid poorly does the dishes, or half-asses mopping the floor you might get frustrated and jump in and do it. I employed this as a kid and can here my mom saying, “oh jesus just let me do it”, as she leapt in and let me off the hook. Now it might be annoying but understandable in a kid, or a student. And maybe forgivable to a degree with an employee in a first job. But nearly every single person I work with has a graduate or multiple graduate degrees. It’s maddening, unforgivable and quite honestly just shitty behavior on their behalf. As a friend says quite frequently when we talk about work, these are unserious people. So I don’t think the one-year option is a great choice. But there’s always another side and in this case it’s my instinct to be a money grubbing whore. I make a lot of money, far more money than I ever thought I would make. One more year in this job would mean a significant bump in my retirement savings as well as a bump in my monthly retirement check. So mental health and stress versus money. I also am the financial fall back for a couple of family members which also factors into this as well.

Pathway 2. Take a less stressful job in the current system I’m in somewhere in California. This has the advantage of bumping my pension as much as $25,000 a year if I work another three years, while allowing me to put some additional money back in terms of retirement savings. Of course, this means derailing my plans to move east for another three to five years but it has the advantage of staying in my current retirement and healthcare systems. And the universe just dropped a really great job opening in my lap that I would have an excellent shot at and would be a lower stress and interesting job that would no longer involve managing faculty. Of course it’s a $120,000 a year pay cut.

Pathway 3. Start the job search back east, not jumping into any job that works but a job I think I’ll really enjoy, at a four-year school in an area that I want to live. It’s the least financial beneficial option but not a bad one, as it was essentially the original plan, minus the absolute regenerative joy of hiking the Appalachian Trail. But it does get me into what I fully want the rest of my life to look like.

So these are the pathway choices out in front of me and honestly, I could choose any of them. I’ve lived with each in my head for a few days each. I’ve run some really wild scenarios, fleeing to Portugal or Mexico. Hell there have been moments when I have seriously considered just fucking disappearing.

I want to make sure I say this in this post. I’m still a lucky man, while I may not have a lot of time ahead of me in life, although I hope I have more than I expect. I also have options and none of my options are particularly bad. At my age people in my life have things happen to them constantly that remind me of this, I have parents in their 80’s with their own issues. The week I was getting my news a friend randomly had one of her lungs collapse and this week a friend told me their spouse has been diagnosed with a degenerative disease that often means less than ten years of life left. I’m nowhere near being in that level of hell. I’m writing about my situation not for sympathy, but because writing is how I deal with things in my life and process options. And, because this blog is focused on happiness and there’s a lesson in this for all of us.

That lesson is happiness is the decision. What I’ve come back to is the most basic concept of the Ministry of Happiness, that happiness in life is something I value and of primary importance. I’ve worked in one form or another since I was a little kid. In elementary school I would mow lawns, rake leaves and shovel snow for money. To no one’s surprise I folded pizza boxes for slices and as a bit of a juvenile delinquent even did a little stealing. In high school all of these side gigs, minus the crime, continued at higher levels. When I went to college I always had side gigs, including an illegal one for a time. I worked part-time on campus and off campus jobs, I worked as a resident assistant to get a discount and better housing. Even in graduate school, in addition to teaching for my assistantship, I taught extra classes and for two years even worked as a personal shopper for Talbots working the 10PM to 6AM shift in an international call center. Since leaving graduate school I’ve worked continually for the last 25 years and all during that time had side gigs and/or extra teaching assignments.

Throughout my career, while I had the privilege of working in a field that by it’s very nature is giving back by helping others meet their educational and career goals, I have rarely been in a job I really enjoyed. Honestly, the last full-time gig I had that I really loved was being a MESA Director at Hartnell College. But the job was financially untenable for me, led to me working two and for a brief time, three full-time positions for the college at 80 hours a week, for less money than most dean’s positions paid. So I made the move into being a dean and have done this for the last twenty-two years, happily with some great travel breaks every three to four years. It’s been a good career, it’s noble work and I know that I’ve had a positive impact on literally hundreds, maybe thousands of students, staff and faculty over my career. I’ve had some really special moments of turning people’s career paths around and helping others clear a hurdle they never believed they could that allowed them to change their lives. There were people along the way who did this for me, I’m just happy to have been able to pay that forward on the other side.

I’ve always looked to this point in life to be able to be able to finally do what I want to do, both work-wise and also in my personal life. I want more time with my nieces and nephews, I want the opportunity to do all the things I do love, hiking, foraging, photography, writing, astronomy, gardening and even getting back to doing some aquatic science purely for fun. I want to create a sustainable property and it’s a very old dream and I named this future property long ago, Invisible Sun Farm. The name comes from an old Police song that I first heard as a video on either Friday night videos or the Midnight Special back in the early 80’s. The song hit me like a ton of brick, the video is amazing. Ghost in the Machine has always been one of my absolute favorite albums.

You see, while I’ve had a good life while working, I’ve not been doing what makes me happy. So as I looked these pathways and have been agonizing over the decision. In the end, the difference in how close I can get to a place of happiness both literally and emotionally has got to be the deciding factor, after all, I’m the bloody Minister of Happiness. So today, literally today I came to a decision about what path I’ll follow.

It has to be number three, now I’m also overly practical and a planner as I’ve mentioned. So I’ll apply for some in-state jobs in case that has to be the option for some unforeseen reason. But I’ll start looking for gigs in the east, there’s no extreme hurry and lord knows if I miss one more winter that won’t break my heart at all. But it’s the combination of the right job in the right place I’ll be pursuing. I just honestly can’t stay in my current job much longer, the money is fantastic, but the incompetence that leads to so much frustration and stress is untenable. So it’s a new day, a good day because I’m out of limbo, out of the uncertainty I hate. A good omen about the decision, my renewed passport arrived today and a nomad is never happy without a valid passport in their possession.

One of the last parts of the decision is a bold statement I’ve made recently. I’ve spent my entire life effectively alone, I’m no longer interested in that being my reality. And honestly, staying where I am, knowing I’m heading east at some point is not conducive to changing my reality. So the move also increases that chance of creating new community and making that happen. Please do not take that as me being open to blind dates, but absolutely open to new possibilities.

Life is hard and life is short. We only do this once, it’s important to make an impact, to do good things and take care of people you care about. But it’s also imperative that you find a way to be happy. The biggest lesson I ever learned in this comes from the example of the life of the person I was named for, my Uncle Mikey. He was a great guy with a larger than life personality. I was named after the right person, he told great stories, loved kids, and was a great cook. When I was growing up he owned a cabin with a big above ground pool. It literally became the summer center or our entire extended families’ life. Without that pool and that cabin, I likely wouldn’t have known half of my cousins and their families, wouldn’t have had so many fun days in my childhood as a kid. Nor would I have spent so much time with his dad, my great, great Uncle Rocco who on quiet weekday mornings I would play bocce with and listen to stories in Italian. Uncle Mikey took care of his parents his whole adult life, took care of everyone he could, never married, never had kids of his own, yes it seems I was named after the right guy. But later in life, when his parents passed I saw him get taken advantage of by younger women who played on his loneliness. In the end I don’t think he was very happy. So while I’ve followed his life’s examples in many ways, I plan on doing my final chapter differently and that played heavily in this decision as well.

So there’s a whole lot of heavy for you tonight my friends, likely far more than you ever wanted to know about me and my life. A lot of writing to say a simple thing, happiness is important and we have to do what needs to done to make sure we live a happy life and have lots of happy days my friends., thanks for reading ~ Rev Kane