If there is no struggle, there is no progress. ~ Fredrick Douglass

It’s been a helluva year!

One year ago, May 7, 2025, I got up insanely early in the morning, was driven to the hospital by my assistant and walked in to the scariest morning of my life. They put me to sleep at about 7 AM, about 10 seconds later from my perspective, I was listening to a really wonderful nurse tell me I was still alive on the same day of my surgery and that I’d soon be getting the giant tube out of my throat.

I was fortunate, I had an incredible surgeon and team, my nurses were spectacular, I got fantastic care from Kaiser. I got spectacular aftercare from my team, the home nurses and the warfarin pharmacists were fantastic. I was incredibly blessed to have lots of help after I came home and fortunate to have been in good shape pre-surgery and smart enough to follow the recommendations. My recovery went really well, with only a couple of minor glitches, only one 911 call that ended up being a mystery but happily never re-occurred. My three month post surgery imaging showed everything good and my cardiologist told me to go away for three years.

That was the start of the last year, the crazy thing about open-heart surgery is that they have to cut your breast bone in half and that is actually the hardest part of recovery and also thoroughly terrifying. It means for six months you cannot lift anything heavy, that starts at 5 pounds and gets up to 20 pounds. During the whole time, you can’t bend over and pick up anything off the floor, your breast bone has been wired together with a steel wire and it pops and clicks and every time you think it’s slipped, which of course would mean more surgery.

The whole process has actually physically changed my body. Some good things, my blood pressure is way better, I’m on one quarter of the medicine I was pre-surgery. But there’s other changes, I still click and pop, it still scares the hell out of me. At night in bed, when I take a deep breath I can damn near feel my heart beating in my chest, it used to terrify me, I’ve gotten used to it.

And if last April you had said that heart surgery wouldn’t have been the hardest part of the year I would have laughed in your face, but that’s often when the universe is at it’s most ridiculous.

The last year has been a circus, my mom’s lung cancer paused, kicked back into high gear, went to her brain and after several hospital visits turned into a long-term rehab stay that turned into hospice and the end of her life. So, all that comes with losing a parent happens, grief, madness, dumbass relatives who haven’t been around and make an appearance. Relatives who offer no support or caring but are happy to criticize and bitch. Lots of details, lots of details, and as the executor of her estate even more details. Happily my sister has been a great help in cleaning out the house and being my local director of operations, we’re still working on getting things done over five months later, but as we finish the last bits at least it’s now on the market. Still putting things together to spread her ashes per her wishes hopefully in July.

Coming back to work was exactly what I expected coming back to work to be for me. It was a giant, stressful pain in the ass. Happily, I came back to a new boss who is better than my previous bosses so that has helped. But my people saved all the hard shit for when I came back and so I have been eternally behind the entire year. I’ve been applying for jobs and that has been wholly unsuccessful. First, I had a couple of interviews and then final interviews and then have been completely ghosted. It’s an unfortunate reality of how organizations work these days but it’s rude and unprofessional. I’m also doing something unique, as usual, I’m going cross-country, going down the career ladder and I’m doing it at over 60 years of age. This makes my application look weird and I’m getting a lot of rejections for jobs I am over qualified for and I’m sure there’s also a bit of ageism involved. My most recent rejection was for a dean’s position at a community college, something I’ve done successfully for over twenty-years, so the idea that I’m not qualified enough, or that there were 5-7 people more qualified is insanely unlikely. However, I also had an interview this past week and should find out Monday or Tuesday if I have a second level interview.

This year has also seen a number of my personal relationships change and/or go up in flames. And I’m not talking about casual friends or social acquaintances but 20+ year relationships, it’s been hard. Throw in everything you learn about the people you’re connected to going through a life threatening surgery and the death of your parent and I ended up in the deepest depression I’ve been in over the last twenty years.

The good news is, over twenty of years of work on my mental health, over fifteen years writing the Ministry of Happiness and I have a lot of skills that I’ve developed over the years. So I’ve been able to climb my way out of the hole. I’m actually in a really good place, but also in a really weird place.

At this point I’m at a weird crossroads, my original plan seems to be falling apart, the back up plan sucks and so soon, I’ll need to take a few days, get real quiet and make some big decisions, but that’s for another day. This weekend I took some serious down time, made some good food, said to hell with my diet and just celebrated being alive.

We all go through these times, and they are really hard, you might be in one right now. The thing is, we are all masters of disguise at these times. Most people have had no idea how bad this year has been for me and people will often fool others, you, will fool others. So the point tonight is a simple one, take care of yourself. If you’re struggling, do the things you have to do to get better. If you need help, get the help you know you need. We all want you to have happier days my friends. ~ Rev Kane