Christmas isn’t a season, it’s a feeling. ~ Edna Ferber

Merry Freakin Christmas

So the image above is a perfect image to represent how I feel about Christmas. First, I really don’t like Christmas, this is old territory for long-time blog readers and I apologize for the retread ground. Basically, Christmas for me, is like Christmas for Phoebe Cates’ character in Gremlins. The one where she talks about her father disappearing on Christmas, only to find out that he got stuck in the chimney playing Santa and they found his body a couple of days later. Kind of wrecked the holiday for her. Mine, not so dramatic, but I have honestly had few good Christmases. The root of it for me is this, Christmas is built up as this ideal in your head as a child. Big tree with lights, lots of presents, happy family around the table for Christmas dinner, you know, Hallmark Family Christmas. And of course it always snows Christmas Day.

But like the reality of snow, on TV it’s all pretty fluffy white, but in reality, it’s wet and heavy and shoveling snow is a ton of work. It’s a great way to pull out your back or have a heart attack. Then in a couple of days it’s muddy, nasty slush, mixed with road salt and dog urine. I get that almost no one has the Hallmark Family Christmas, and maybe that image of Christmas was the death of my optimism, the birth of my cynical nature. as I didn’t get the presents I asked for, as I watched drunken family fight and tumble Christmas trees and storm out of Christmas dinner. Christmas for me long ago became the lonely season.

It is the time of year I feel more disconnected from everyone than any other time of year. The early, long, cold dark nights don’t help at all. It’s especially bad if I’m back in upstate New York where I grew up. Driving around there feels like the deepest, darkest cold I can imagine, almost like being alone in outer space, it’s devastating for my psyche. Ironically, I love giving gifts, love making the effort to give someone a gift they truly love, that shows that they mean something to me. Unfortunately, that rarely happens for me. So the holiday is always a mixed bag.

And it’s why the picture above is so perfect for me. The Grinch for the obvious reasons, given my feelings for the holiday I’ve been called a Grinch more than once and it’s a representation I wear well. The other character, if you don’t know, Yukon Cornelius! My favorite character, from my favorite Christmas show, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Even as a little kid, a story full of misfits who hang out with bigfoot (the Bumble) and save the day resonated with me. The Island of Misfit Toys was where I wanted to live because frankly I always knew I was one of them. And Yukon Cornelius cracks me up, I love that character. And, honestly one of my first really great dates as a freshman in college included watching Rudolph, peppermint schnapps and a really amazing peppermint kiss. I often wonder where Kari Lodico is these days, and god I hope she’s well.

During my 20’s and 30’s, my near clinical depression period, Christmas was horrible. It wasn’t until I really figured out how to make Christmas work for me, that it became tolerable. Now, I retreat and embrace my solitary and nomadic nature. I typically retreat to the desert, the last decade or so it’s been the Mojave. Nice warm, sunny, if unfortunately short days, and dark cold nights with skies full of stars above a campfire. I sleep amazingly well in the desert, wake up early, and where I go now, usually to a herd of bighorn sheep walking through my camp. I can avoid people, hike naked in the desert, nap in my hammock in the sun and just be…

This year has been brutal, I haven’t had a vacation in over a year. This year I went through open-heart surgery, my former boss trying to get me fired, my mother’s multiple illnesses and eventual passing last week. It’s been a stressful year like no other and I need some damn downtime. I need to just let go for a bit and be off the grid, I’m looking forward to it like no other year.

The thing is, I know I’m not alone in the way I feel about Christmas. Many, many people suffer this time of year, many more people are alone this time of year than you realize. Many are caught between the desire to be with others and feeling like they just don’t fit when they are, and feel worse with them, than without. So be kind my friends, not because it’s the holiday, but be kind because this time of year so many people are struggling and could use just a little extra grace. So be kind, give them grace and everyone can have happier days. ~ Rev Kane