When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor E Frankl

Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: 90 Days

First a comment about the author of tonight’s quote, Viktor E. Frankl, his book, Man’s Search for Meaning is one of the greatest books ever written, it is a book I actually think everyone should read. The book reminds me of the story of the orange from a post I wrote, possibly maybe my favorite post, Remember the Sweet Things. Something else I recommend everyone should read and listen to.

On May 7th I had open heart surgery, as part of the recovery process I was put on a three month medical leave, that leave has ended and it’s back to work on Monday. I’m actually less excited about returning to work than I was to undergo the surgery. While going to work has little chance of actually killing me, it will kill my soul and that may be worse. The problem with my job is that it’s 90% people management and I work at a place where accountability has never been a priority, or hell, even a reality, particularly for faculty. As such, a lot of the people I manage are extremely entitled and selfish individuals. They honestly don’t seem to care about the emotional impact or stress they cause on anyone else, they are only concerned with one thing, what they want in the moment. As such, my job is incredibly stressful, I’ll also be returning to a brand new boss and a brand new president. Happily, so far I’ve heard good things about both of them.

So Viktor E. Frankl’s quote really resonates in this situation. First off, I can change the situation, but not immediately. So the challenge facing me this Monday, is to change myself in terms of the role, which means reducing my stress. This means that in order to preserve my own sanity and keep my stress in check during my continuing recovery, I need to approach things differently. I’ve always tried to find solutions that met multiple interests, that effort increases complexity and makes things more stressful, usually for me. So I need to simplify and operate on the highest level value in my job, and only that level, what’s best for students. In doing so, it will almost certainly mean I will have to be much harder on my faculty, but at the end of the day, when it’s what’s best for students it’s infinitely defensible. It will mean that people will like me less, but that’s never been a huge concern and leads to the second piece, I can change the situation. As such I’ve started a full job search, primarily on the East Coast where I hope to be, in the next few years, fully retired.

I have to admit rising levels of stress this week as this deadline has approached, my blood pressure has even increased to the point of going back on one of my medicines. But I have also made an effort this week to grab those last little bits of happiness before going back to work. I’ll be doing some posts over the next week or so talking about these, but I’ve spent some time in San Francisco, I went to a Giants/Pirates game, my littlest sister came into town, I had a three pizza day, went to the Asian Art Museum and the Cal Academy of Sciences. I’ve also done a ton of cooking, I made my first ever Beef Wellington and it came out really well. I’ve even just made a pot of gumbo for my work lunches this next week. I also got cleared for everything by my physical therapist, did my first chest workouts with weights and even did a nine mile walk.

The recovery from my surgery went way better than I had hoped it could have, I was ahead of schedule the whole time and had none of the major set backs or complications most people have. I had a lot of anxiety going into this, one person I know after the surgery ended up in a coma for a time, my best friend growing up died from the surgery, another friend had some other complications. Happily I avoided all of those things. There were some really scary moments, some extremely difficult mental challenges, a whole lot of fear, I kept almost all of that to myself, except for the night it was really bad and I had some crazy symptoms that lead me to calling 911, getting my first ever ambulance trip and a couple of hours in the emergency room. Obviously, everything turned out ok and it seems to have been just a fluke event not really related to my surgery.

The biggest things over the last three months have been my connections and relationships with people. Most of the people I expected to show up did, a few surprisingly let me down, but in general people were great. I had twenty different people who visited, came over, did grocery and pharmacy runs, moved my car for me, gave me rides, helped me move things around my apartment, hung out in the first few days while I showered and provided great company. You know, up until the point where the raging introvert that I am just had too many people around and had to really reduce my interactions. But I’m incredibly grateful for the support and caring they provided. I was surprised by the level of support, happy about it, and have thank you gifts for all of them.

So, not sure there’s a point tonight other than the quote by Frankl, I think that’s the lesson I hope people will pull from this post. And seriously, read his book, it’s truly magnificent, maybe keep a positive thought for me this week and have a happy day my friends. ~ Rev Kane