The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer
Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: The Doldrums
Well, we’re quickly coming up on a month since my surgery (4 weeks to be more accurate). I knew the first four weeks were going to be tough because of pain, lack of independence and a need for a lot of help. Happily, things have gone better than expected, I’ve had no major complications, the pain has been far less than expected (I haven’t even had any Tylenol today), people have been incredibly supportive and I’ve had a lot of help from a lot of great people and have been able to be more mobile and independent than expected.
A lot of the literature talks about the mental state after surgery, people often go through some heavy emotions and a lot of folks get depressed. Given my history with depression, this is something I was a bit concerned with during my recovery. I’m happy to say none of that has been an issue so far. One of the things I was concerned about in recovery are the next three weeks. We’re coming up on a weird time, colleagues from work are between semesters and many are leaving for the summer, the heart surgery thing gets old. By that I mean, people thought that how they would need to support me would be to literally walk with me, cook and clean for me, etc… I’ve been mobile enough that really they’ve been mostly conversation and company (which I highly value) with moving some plants and some grocery runs involved. So, it’s not quite the imagined emergency they thought it might be, I look and am doing well so a little motivation falls off. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still got plenty of help. But at this point, my old friends have all reached out, we’ve had our long conversations and things are about to get a bit quiet.
So for the next few weeks I imagine things will slow down, I’m still not back to normal and I expect things to get a bit boring over the next few weeks, we’ll see how it goes. My hope is that as I continue to feel more normal, my interest in reading and writing will come back stronger and that will be what gets me through the next couple of weeks. ~ Rev Kane
Remember this, folks – I am a Hillbilly, and I don’t always Bet the same way I talk. Good advice is one thing, but smart gambling is quite another. ~ Hunter S Thompson
A Happy Day
It’s been a really good day. Today I had the final appointment with my surgical team and they were very happy with my progress. They gave me some interesting and some good news. My sternum is double wired together with steel wire, and they said that while I’ll possibly set off airport metal detectors, I can still have an MRI, but I need to research that last bit some more. They approved my walking plan and how I hope to continue to expand that as well as telling me I can lift up to ten pounds. Finally, they confirmed that after next week I can drive. So think about this, after this week I can drive and lift 10 pounds, except for Chicago deep dish, there are no ten pound pizzas!
Secondly I got a big surprise today. I have a really wonderful business teacher who teaches business statistics, a class that these students really don’t want to take and she does a great job of making the class interesting and engaging for them. One unit she does is on the probabilities of gambling in which among other things she discusses roulette and craps. The first time I heard this lecture I pulled her aside and mentioned that her craps discussion was rather rudimentary and could be a lot more interesting. So she said great, next time come in and you can do the craps part. This has grown into, if I’m available, me coming in and doing the gambling lecture and teaching the students how to play craps. It’s a lot of fun, has a legitimate basis in probability and so they learn while they are having a good time. We also talk about lottery odds and what those really mean.
So today my assistant stopped by and said a student brought me a gift, the dice you see above. After reading the card I realized it was a student I’d encountered in a couple of different business classes and who is very nice and I’ve had some really good discussions with, she also dug the craps lesson, hence the dice. Her words were incredibly kind and really made my day, hope you had a happy day as well my friends. ~ Rev Kane
Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. ~ Garry Trudeau
A Happy Time of Year
This is one of my favorite times of the year. After nearly forty years in higher education graduation is really special to me. First, if you know about all the madness that happens behind the scenes, it’s a damn miracle anyone ever graduates. So I call it the miracle of graduation. It is both for the students, faculty, staff and administrators the culmination of the student’s journey, or at least this stage. I am incredibly proud of every student that walks across the stage every year.
Due to my surgery I missed graduation this year, but have been happy to have reports, see photos etc… of the ceremony and of students celebrating their achievement. It’s not just their achievement though, like any achievement, almost no one does it truly alone, it truly takes a family, a village a community for people to get to this point.
One of the things I remind my staff, that is true at any level, but especially true at the community college level is that we don’t just change lives, we change the trajectory of families. For community college students, so many are first generation college students. So many are overcoming a wide-array of barriers from finances, to family responsibilities and at times even homelessness and food insecurity. At our college we have programs to support first generation students, historically under represented students, veterans who often have PTSD and other issues, former foster care students and even formally incarcerated students. In community college we truly change people’s lives and by extension the path of their families and often for people who at some point, so no future.
Watching mommy or daddy get a degree will make a kid want to be educated. Being able to get a degree or certificate that leads to a good job can change the trajectory of generations. And nothing beats the feeling of confidence from achieving these things.
My nephew Mikey is graduating this year, massively proud of this kid. I congratulate and wish all students who are making the next step good luck. Now more than ever, we need a more educated populace. Have a happy day my friends. ~ Rev Kane
Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be. ~ Khalil Gibran
Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: Milestones
First of all tonight, thank you for indulging me, I imagine you’re all getting relatively bored and tired of the heart surgery posts, I’m sorry but it’s kind of the whole ball of wax for me at the moment. As you can see, the swelling and bruising is lightening up and the incision line looks pretty good.
Pre-surgery I had set myself a number of goals. Survive, wake up the day of my surgery, get walking the next day. Little did I know one of my goals would quickly become a first bowel movement. A big goal was getting out of ICU quickly and then getting home. A huge goal/milestone that I achieved, was throughout this process never having to have someone else wipe my bum.
At home, the first goal was getting up the stairs to my apartment, all 12. I expected it to be a slow deliberate process, I was ecstatic to walk straight up all 12 without a pause. I have walking goals from my doctor that I’m absolutely meeting. I had goals about how long it would take me to stop sleeping in the camping chair, buying an adjustable bed changed and achieved that, still the best decision I’ve made post surgery. It was an exciting day when I actually put on a shirt that pulled over instead of buttoned up.
Tomorrow is a big goal, 21 days post-surgery. Tomorrow I meet with the surgical team and if they’re happy, they wash their hands of me and fully hand me back to my cardiologist. So here’s hoping I make the next big milestone tomorrow. The next really big milestones are being cleared to start walking uphill and week 6, the shortest time my breastbone could likely heal, and week 8, the longest it should take.
I hope you’re making some of your own personal goals and milestones this week and that of course you’re having a happy day my friends. ~ Rev Kane
Picture purposely blurry to protect our identities, 🙂
Children see magic because they look for it. ~ Christopher Moore
Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: My Little Friends
I love little kids, particularly toddlers. And I really wish that in our society expressing that thought as an unmarried man didn’t lead a lot of people to make unsavory assumptions about you. I love how free children are, how the world hasn’t weighed them down yet, how their imaginations run free and and they can so easily experience joy when they play. My jobs have always been highly stressful, when you manage people that’s just the way things go. So I’ve always been someone who looks for ways to escape each day from that madness and try and keep my stress levels down. About twenty years ago there was a playground in a park across from campus, so I would take a sandwich and go eat lunch in the park and watch the little kids go nuts, it was a great stress break. One day a police officer approached me and said that a parent had called in a complain that I was stalking the little children and couldn’t be in the park. I agreed to leave, but not before pointing out to him that he had zero grounds to make the request, but the last thing I wanted to do was let that parent pump those fears into their child. A lot of this comes from the child abduction scares and Satanic panics of the 80’s. If you listened to the media and various advocacy groups, thousands of children were being abducted weekly by strangers, secret groups at day care centers were conducting Satanic rituals on children. ALL OF IT, was bullshit. There is a great CBC Podcast on the Satanic Panic you should check out. The fact is, stranger abductions are pretty rare, and yes, there are monsters out there, but not nearly as many as people believe. The fact is, the overwhelming majority of child abductions are done by parents in custody disputes.
So, as much as I like munchkins I very much limit and control how I interact with them, primarily to limit the fears and reactions of their parents. And I’m lucky in my job, part of my responsibility is to oversee our child development lab school. As a play based program I get to occasionally pop-in and go crazy on the playground with my little friends. Shortly before my surgery I had one day where I made the mistake of catching a ball one through me, it immediately turned into a smash the dean dodgeball attack, it was wonderful. I’m grateful to our staff at the center, they do a wonderful job with our kids and I’m always so proud to see the development that the munchkins achieve.
I also have several faculty who have small children who are my friends. I’ve talked about the Tiny Dean recently and showed the card she made me, today I have another to display, this one is a bit different. This little friend is very smart, but also very much a little wise-ass and I got this card delivered to me yesterday. Her mom told me she’s been very concerned about me and my surgery.
I love my little friends, children are such a gift and that amazing toddler time passes quickly. I was lucky to spend a chuck of that time with my niece Rooney while I rehabbed an injured knee, she’s pictured above when we were playing ninjas together.
Bullying has always been around and there will always be people who thrive on the hurt they cause to others. ~ Trisha Paytas
Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: Don’t Punch Down
One of the things I did prior to going into surgery was to leave some goodbye notes to people in my life including some notes of life advice for my nieces and nephews. There was a wide range of advice, most of it about being confident, strong and kind. There was one piece of advice that I wanted to write about tonight.
One piece of advice I left, that seems particular relevant these days, was don’t ever punch down. It’s a simple idea and can also be expressed as not kicking people who are below you. Punching down when you’re a kid often means picking on the small kids, the disabled kids, the different kids. Most of us at one time have fallen into the category of target. What I expressed in the note was that it’s important to only punch up. Save your efforts, your arguments, even your violence for those with more than you, not less. Punching up means speaking truth to power, not being afraid to question authority, particularly when it is coming down on those in society who have the least amount of power.
To me, the measure of a human is their willingness to defend those with less power and privilege than they have. Avoid following the crowd and piling on, and especially, protect those in your family who have the least options and power, because they need you the most.
So don’t punch down my friends and help others have a happy day. ~ Rev Kane
Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. ~ Denis Waitly
Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: Gratitude
Today is officially two weeks since they cracked me open like a lobster and played around with my insides for several hours. My recovery has been going well and if you’re just joining this ride, slide back through the blog, there are lots of updates. The big milestone for today was peeling off most of the super glue from my incision site while in the shower, that was a trip. The good news is the site looks really good.
One of the things that the literature warned about before this surgery were some of the post-surgery mental impacts, including a higher than normal risk of depression as well as a higher level of emotionality. I absolutely can see how as the weeks of healing wear on this could really get you down. But I have a plan and lots of support, so I’m not too terribly worried about that outcome. The higher level of emotionality is definitely present, I’ve found myself, particularly when thanking people for their assistance getting choked up. For me it’s the surprise of having so many people willing to help out, honestly, in my entire life I’ve had fewer people here for me than have been here for me in the last couple of weeks. So tonight I did want to take some time to express gratitude for many of the things I’m really thankful for right now while being able to type it, so you can’t see the tears.
First and foremost I’m alive, gratitude in this instance has to start there. I was blessed to have perhaps the best surgeon in all of northern California for this surgery and he and his team did an amazing job. I’m really grateful for the way my nurse woke me in post-surgery recovery. You see in the year before this surgery I’ve had two people I’m connected to have this surgery, one died, one ended up in a coma for a time, so this certainly amped up the trepidation of getting on that table, even though there was no real choice not to. And I’m a planner, so pre-surgery I shaved my beard down super short, my thought was when I woke up, touch my face, no beard or big beard would mean coma. But the first thing I heard my nurse say to me was, “Mr. Kane, you’re at Kaiser SF, you had heart surgery and it’s 3:30PM on the day of your surgery.” It was a brilliant statement that took away a nice chunk of anxiety as I laid there in my drug induced, pain filled haze.
On that theme, I’m grateful for all of the nurses, doctors, PTs and staff at Kaiser San Francisco. They were absolutely spectacular in every way. I received a spectacular level of care from nice, dilligent and pleasant people at all times. Not once did I have anyone who seemed bothered or in a bad mood, or not willing to immediately help, now if only the food was better.
I’m thankful for the visits in the hospital, from people who lived five blocks from the hospital, to others who drove an hour, to others who flew across the country. I’m especially thankful to the Tiny Dean who came to visit only three days after her own appendectomy and even made me a coaster for my drinks.
I’m thankful for Christine, a nurse on the step-down unit and close friend of my assistant for both looking out for me and also keeping my assistant at least semi-sane through the process.
I’m so grateful for this group of people who have been helping me out, I’ve actually had to dial them back a bit because this giant introvert is about peopled out. But I can’t push much, they’ve been caring and giving and so incredibly supportive. I’m truly humbled by these people and their desire to help me out, and if you know me, humble is not my natural state, at all.
I’m thankful for the Kaiser system in general, the pharmacy assistance and warfarin clinic and the home health nurse visits and blood draws.
I’m thankful to Bedroom Express in San Bruno, for putting a bed deal together, delivering and installing within four hours last Saturday, the bed changed has made a world of difference for my sleep.
And while I’m sure I’m missing people or things, the final thing I’m thankful for tonight is the tiny patio garden and it’s lovely tomatoes that are both absolute tiny joys and connections to my Grandpa Kane.
But the final thank you is for my assistant, guiding and caring for me in this process is not a work requirement. She’s been saint-like, she’s fussed, worried, picked me up from the hospital, kept my family in the loop, connected with my care team whether I wanted her to or not :), coordinated visits, groceries, rides and checked in on me every day, sometimes multiple times per day. She’s done all this while having her own family, a job, being her mom’s caretaker and an all around insanely busy person. I will never be able to thank her enough, she’s family now.
Have a thankful and happy day my friends. ~ Rev Kane
With music, you often don’t have to translate it. It just affects you, and you don’t know why. ~ David Byrne
Rev Kane’s Wild Ride: The Little Victories
It was a hectic day in my recovery world today. I had seven different visitors which is absolutely a new record for me. During the day I posted a comment about wearing my first non-button up shirt and they replied I guess it’s the little victories, and it absolutely is about the little victories. As with all big challenges whether it’s hiking the Appalachian Trail or recovering from open heart surgery it’s always the mental aspects that catch you off guard and make things hard. So in terms of recovering from heart surgery, each of these little victories helps you see that things will get better and that there is healing at the end of this road. So tonight I just want to celebrate some of these over the last week.
First and foremost, my community of support has been absolutely amazing. Thank you to all of you. Today the person who picked me up for my cardiologist appointment brought their 20 year-old son. A really wonderful young man, as we neared the end of the return trip he said to me, “wow, now I get all the hype, you’re a cool dude.” I’ll take that from any 20 year-old as a 60 year-old grouch.
There are no stitches or staples from my surgery, I’m held together by super glue. So the glue has to be scrubbed and picked off, sort of like when you peel skin after a sunburn. Made some great progress on that today and it’s really, fucking weird. In case you didn’t know, super glue was actually used during the Vietnam War for exactly this reason, here’s a link to the history of super glue.
While I thought things had proceeded in average fashion, my cardiologist told me today that I got out of the hospital faster than any patient she’s had who had this process. I was really proud of that, I worked hard to be ready for this process.
Tonight, I did the longest walk of my recovery so far. Not really that far, but as that distance increases I get happier.
Today I decided to really cook. I make my own meals every night, but with all of the gifted vegetables starting to age and diminish and having seen an African Pepper Sauce recipe while I was in the hospital, I made an African bean stew tonight. After I had already said I didn’t need anything else it hit me that I really wanted some good bread with this dish, my last visitor of the day walked in with a really good loaf of sourdough bread, serendipity!
I’ve also been working very hard to express my gratitude to people, so today, I sent out some thank yous, texts and made a few calls just to say thanks. And thank you all for being here and following along.
Small positive steps is the way! This is know. ~ Rev Kane
Life tends to be an accumulation of a lot of mundane decisions, which often gets ignored. ~ David Byrne
The Deliberate Progress of Patience and Intentionality
As most of you are quite aware I’m at home recovering from open heart surgery. It’s my fifth day home, my eleventh day since surgery. The excitement and fanfare of the surgery are past, the big one, I didn’t die on the table. The second is that there are no obvious complications so far except some bowel liquification from one of my medicines but the home health nurse check ups have been positive, my phone appointment with my surgeon’s office went well and tomorrow morning I have my first post-surgery appointment with my cardiologist as my primary care gets handed over to her. While tomorrow sets up to be hectic as all get out, I’m excited for the appointment and my first real excursion away from home since returning, FIELD TRIP! I’m also planning as part of it to stop at a drive thru and gets some damn french fries as a treat, more excited than I should be about that, but seriously, hot, greasy salty fries and a small coke, yeeessssss.
Mornings are good, especially now as the quality of my sleep is improving. I’ve worked out a good schedule with the Tylenol I’m using for pain management, happily haven’t had to go any harder, and having the new adjustable bed I just bought is a game changer. That was pure providence, found a store with one in stock two miles from my place, $100 off the price as part of their labor day sale, 50% off on delivery and installation since I was so close and the disassembly and removal costs were waived when I mentioned I was recovering from heart surgery, oh and the whole deal start to finish, from call to set up, four hours. I do seem to sunset every afternoon and end up a little loogey at night, and because I’m not super active yet I’m also not super tired and so early evenings have kind of sucked I exist in this haze of being tired, but not worn out and really not wanting to sit down. It’s also the time of day when things slow down, my body aches catch up to me but my mind keeps spinning.
So I’ve started trying after dinner to be a bit more active, after dinner I do my evening walk, take my meds and then try and do some writing standing up. I’m not at a point where I can find a comfortable position for my laptop, so it’s sit down at my work desk or stand up. Standing up keeps me a little more alert, helps keep my blood pressure up a little bit and I can move a bit to the music. Without writing on my lap with TV as background I’ve been putting on music while I write. Tonight I’m writing to the Talking Heads, hence the quote from idiosynchratic and brilliant David Byrne above.
The one thing that has really hit me in this process of existing and healing after the surgery is the patience, intentionality and deliberate nature of every physical move I make. I have to sit and stand a certain way without using my arms, same for getting in and out of bed, picking things up, opening the refrigerator and once something hits the ground it’s gone til I go get the grabber. Of course then it hit me, Watchmen fans will appreciate this, but if you drop it, who grabs the grabber. So I bought a second one today, if I drop both I’ll just call it a day, sit down and watch a movie.
I’m a person who really can be identified as someone who thinks fast, talks fasts, and is almost constantly multitasking and operating, at least mentally, on multiple tracks at all times. Heart surgery has really forced me to slow down, not just physically, but mentally as well, and is forcing me to be more deliberate and intentional. It’s a requirement now, but I think in the long run it’s a good exercise for me. The fact is when I get myself into trouble its almost always from acting too quickly or without appropriate focus, hopefully this time will teach me to be better about that.
So my friends, take your time, be deliberate, be intentional about your life and you’ll have happier days, I promise. ~ Rev Kane
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. ~ Douglas Adams
The number 42 finds constant and cosmic significance in my life. Why is this meaningful? Well, in Douglas Adams’ masterpiece of a book, The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to meaning of life, the universe and everything. It’s just that we’ve forgotten the question. I love that concept more than I can explain and that’s the least weird thing in that book or the five that follow. Now is 42 actually significant? Who knows, like most numerology type things we put a lot of the meaning we want into the number, make it significant, notice it more often and then claim those occurrences as divine.
So let’s do a little bit of that tonight as I try and float through the hardest hours of my recovery days. You see I start out great, wake up, after varying levels of sleep, I knew this first week home would really suck on that front. And I do great up until about 5 PM and then I sunset like an Alzheimer’s patient. I typically end up napping for an hour, then I’m just groggy as shit, uncomfortable and incredibly restless until I finally give up and watch something and try to find ways to get comfortable and sleep. It’s a huge work in progress, lots of tweaking pillows and chair angles. If I get a three hour block in my camping chair I’m happy. Then I fumble around the apartment and try the couch. Last night for the first time I slept to my 8:30AM alarm. So I actually slept from 4:30 to 8:30 a new personal best since returning home. The added issue is that I usually wake up to an achy joint, a stiff muscle or joint from being in an odd position. Happily it’s been about comfort and not due to any real pain, I’m actually only taking Tylenol at this point and not even the maximum dosage.
It takes six to eight weeks for your sternum to heal after the surgery. So taking the midpoint is seven weeks, that’s right, 42 days. So that’s the countdown I’m on for my first major healing milestone. At seven weeks I absolutely will be healed enough, barring any complications, to be back to my normal sleeping routines. My initial plan was 1-2 weeks in the camping chair, then to the couch and hopefully week 4-5 back in my own bed. The good news is that I’m ahead of schedule, the bad news I’m not sure that holds up for my plans to return to my very comfortable bed.
So tonight I’m creating a little countdown of 42 days from my surgery date. So June 25th is my goal date to be back to semi-normal.
The really hard part in this is going to be patience. While I’m plenty busy everyday, the fact that I have to do everything deliberately and slowly, as well as my wonderful visits eat up the hours. The days are long and slow and I won’t overdue things or rush but seven weeks of patience will certainly be a test. May Douglas Adams’ ghost guide me.
I hope you’re having a happy day my friends. ~ Rev Kane
The Ministry of Happiness 