Welcome to my new tinier life

Welcome to my new tinier life

There is only one day left, always starting over; it starts at dawn and is taken away from us at dusk. ~ Jean-Paul Satre

Vacation is Over

Vacation is over, I’m writing this post on my last day before I start my new job.  I will have been off of work for three weeks less than a full year.  It’s been a good year and let’s start off tonight with a little recap.  I left my job in the Mojave Desert and headed east stopping to see some friends along the way including a good friend from grad school I hadn’t seen in person in twenty years.  I used upstate NY, where most of my family is, as my base of operations and landing spot between trips.  So I got to spend a lot of time with my family, especially my nieces and nephews, I have eight, soon to be nine.  I have a little niece due to arrive in the next few weeks and I’m very excited.  I also caught up with a lot of old friends.

redwoods, travel, photographyScotland

I headed first to Scotland where I hiked the Western Highland and Great Glen Ways.  I love Scotland, it’s a beautiful country and the Scottish people have always been incredibly friendly and welcoming to me.  Helped in no small measure by the fact that genetically we’re related and I certainly look Scottish, especially when I’m sporting the big beard.  In addition to hiking I spent some time in Glasgow and Edinburgh.  Edinburgh is one of my favorite large cities and I was there during festival so the town was full of life and art.

Spain and Portugal

I left Scotland to head to Spain to hike the Camino Primitivo, one of my less satisfying hiking experiences.  The combination of too much road walking, too many dogs and too much heat led to my decision to abandon the hike only a few days in.  Even in that short amount of time I met some really great people and visited some beautiful places.  Long distance hiking is special that way.  Leaving the trail I headed back to Oviedo, a city I really came to like.  It’s a mellow city with some amazing architecture and history and in true Spanish fashion is a city that comes alive at night.  Single people, families all are out in the squares and restaurants socializing til late at night.  It was a new culture for me but one that really suits my natural night owl tendencies.  From Oviedo I headed north  to Gijon and the beach, a place with amazing giant tidal swings and a coastal hiking trail that connects to one of the Caminos.

I left Spain to visit three cities in Portugal, Aveiro, Porto and Lisbon.  Each city had it’s charms and I enjoyed my time there.  If you’re going to Portugal prepare for hills, Porto and Lisbon especially are beautiful hilly cities.  Like most cities they are complex, high priced tourism mixed with ancient history and poverty.  I enjoyed exploring all of them.

Morocco

I then left Europe for my first trip  to Africa.  I spent a week in Morocco, not nearly long enough but three days living in the souk in Marrakech wore me out.  It was the living embodiment of the Crosby, Stills and Nash song although I took the train from, not to Marrakech.  The city was amazing and the sights and smells utterly amazing.  The best people watching I’ve ever encountered.  I would sit at the cafes on the square and watch the con men make their money.  This did not make me immune, I paid far too much for the photo below and learned a valuable lesson.  Never negotiate with a man holding a cobra.

My favorite scam was performed by two gentlemen I named the Monkey Guys.  Two large and imposing looking Moroccans who had well-trained monkeys.  They would slip up behind a couple and toss the monkey on the guys back.  The monkey was trained to scramble up on top of the man’s head and sit there.  Then the Monkey Guys would pop up, apologize and say, “but what a great picture.”  They would get the woman to take a picture then put their hand out for the tip.  So the couple faces having a monkey on the guys head, that isn’t moving, and a large, scary looking Moroccan dude demanding money.  Everyone I saw in this situation paid.

I spent a few days in Tangier but I was worn out and had booked a beautiful hotel with a rooftop pool and bar and although I walked the city a bit, spent most of my time enjoying laying by the pool, being waited on and having a spectacular view of the city and ocean.

The Ferry to Barcelona

I did one of the most interesting things I will likely ever do next.  Instead of taking the 45 minute ferry from Morocco to Tarifa, Spain I decided to go on a little adventure.  So instead I booked a 32 hour ferry ride to Barcelona.  The ferry was like a mini-cruise ship and I’m sure felt that way were you booked into a lovely little cabin with a bed and your own bathroom.  That was not the way I traveled.  No, I had a Pullman Seat in a giant cabin with over 100 other people.  There were four such cabins, which included 400 Moroccans, 2 Swiss hippies with dread locks and me.  The crew was almost entirely Filipino and Italian, but we only ever saw them at meals.  Oh, and only three sets of bathrooms.  Some of the folks on the cruise were professionals, they had sleeping set ups, some had brought air mattresses and slept in the nooks and crannies in the hallways, it was amazing.  The bathrooms, generally degraded the entire trip.  Sleeping was like trying to sleep on a plane or a bus but in non-reclining seats.  Happily, you could go out on deck and it was a beautiful voyage, at least aesthetically.  The intercom system was very much like the intercom on the NY Subway, imagine the teacher talking on a Peanuts special.  There was little organization when we disembarked and the only languages being spoken were French, Arabic and Italian.  The first two I don’t know and the third is a language I can read but hardly speak.

While disembarking I actually walked all the way to land level only be turned around because it was for car drivers only, walked against the crowd all the way back up three levels to be turned around and sent out the way I had started.  All of this to be bused, delayed and dropped off at the closed port terminal at midnight with no phone service, and no taxis or buses serving the port at that time of night.  My GPS said 4 miles to downtown Barcelona and my hotel, so I walked.  Happily it was a mostly deserted port area at that time.  Barcelona was a great city, but there are too many people there.  On any of the popular streets it’s like walking at rush hour in Manhattan, but the art, the architecture and the restaurants were amazing.

From Barcelona I took the train to Madrid, I only spent a couple of days transiting through Madrid but didn’t enjoy the city.  It likely had a lot to do with where I was staying, my brief pass through and the heat but other than its usefulness as a transportation hub, I wasn’t really excited by Madrid.

Oaxaca City, Mexico

I bounced back through Scotland and to the US for a few weeks before starting my final adventure.  I moved to Oaxaca City, Mexico for two months.  The links back to the pieces I wrote about that experience will give you a lot more info and photos.  Oaxaca served to check off a major bucket list item for me.  I collect Day of the Dead (DOTD) art and years ago I bought a piece from and artist in Oaxaca.  He talked lovingly about the city, the art scene and the amazing DOTD festivals in the city.  So I knew someday I would have to go and I did.  Oaxaca is wonderful and what I really should write is it’s awful, boring and unsafe so don’t go.  I should write that because Oaxaca is at the edge of becoming a cool travel destination and more and more tourists are visiting the city.  There’s a reason for this, Oaxaca is a UNESCO World Heritage site for food, it’s a safe city, it’s in the poorest part of Mexico so everything is unbelievably cheap.  The people are amazing, accommodating and friendly, the food is as good as anything you’ll find in SF, NY or LA.  There is art everywhere, awesome natural sites to go see, the best Mezcal I’ve ever tasted and the weather is like the weather in San Diego.

I attended language school there, there are a ton of language schools in the city.  It was a great experience and I made some good friends, of course one of them Joan, was Scottish.  I really loved my time in Oaxaca and it’s some place I will continue to visit and likely someplace I’ll spend a couple of months every year in retirement.

Business was slow today

Back in the USA

I returned stateside, spent some time in New York, a month on the Gulf of Mexico and then drifted west.  Back in California I spent time interviewing for jobs and then moving my possessions from Southern California to the Bay Area, I’m living just outside San Francisco.

My Tiny New Life

I have tagged my new life as my new tiny life.  Everything, mostly because of cost, is tinier here.  I am living in a 600 square foot apartment.  My parking space is between two poles that leave me with about 3 inches of clearance on each side of my mirrors.  I’ve continued to work on downsizing my life and have worked my excess possessions outside the apartment down to a 5 by 5 storage space.  So my life has shifted from a 1400 square foot, split level apartment and a 10 by 10 storage space to 600 square feet and a 5 by 5.  I only have 6 years to retirement, I’ve stayed under 200 pounds for over a year for the first time in 20 years, everything thing in my life seems to be shrinking.  This however is not a complaint, just an observation.

I’m excited for my new life, my new apartment and my new job.  I already in 3 weeks here have more of a social life than I had in two years in the desert.  I have friends in the bay area to re-connect with, I live between the ocean and the bay and we had a really hot day the other day, it was in the 80’s.  Compared to the triple digit life in the desert this is a joy.  I’ll wrap this up here, I have a date to go into San Francisco for dinner and to a book reading, like I said, happy for my new life.  As always, have a happy day my friends.             ~ Rev Kane

 

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Random Happiness: Fun Science

Random Happiness: Fun Science

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. ~ Isaac Asimov

stewieToday we focus on fun science, and we go from interesting video’s to the truly insane.  Don’t we all have a friend who caused a large explosion in their own house on Thanksgiving and burned off their eyebrows?  This post is dedicated to my friend Keith.  And as such let me just say I’m posting these videos for entertainment purposes only an idiot would do this stuff at home and would probably earn a Darwin Award in the process, you’ve been warned. ~ Rev Kane

First a video a roundup of the highlights from 2012 for NPRs Science Friday

Also from Science Friday some cool time-lapse photography

A set of odd and bizarre science facts

Theo Gray has just become my new favorite scientists, 7 experiments from his book Theo Gray’s Mad Science:  Experiments you can do at home but probably shouldn’t;

Even more deranged science experiments

Finally, build your own parabolic solar death ray, some videos

Demos

The basic death ray

My favorite one

One more

How to build one

Plans

Where to buy what you are seeing

 

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Happiness Resources: Making Change Happen

Happiness Resources: Making Change Happen

happiness humor change

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself ~ Leo Tolstoy

Tonight a couple of quick resources related to making and keeping positive change in your life.  I especially like the first piece it has a lot of great advice, so give it a read and have a happy day my friends ~ Rev Kane

First a great piece on the Anatomy of Change

Personal Growth: Four Obstacles to Personal Change

Five Steps to Positive Life Change, this one is a little more theoretical and wordy

Appalachian Trail Happiness: Change Can be a Good Thing

Amazing Advice & Wisdom about Happiness & Change

fearOther Posts You Might Enjoy!

How Travel Makes You Happier

Fear is Killing Your Happiness

Our Best Happiness Posts of 2015

My favorite Appalachian Trail Photos of 2015

Why I’m Happy Right Now!

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Social Media and Happiness

Social Media and Happiness

happiness, choice, happy

Be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life. ~ Omar Khayyam

Being Happy

The United States is the unhappiest it’s ever been, does this surprise you?  First let’s define what I mean by this, the statement comes from the fact that in annual global happiness surveys, the United States has ranked lower than ever before.  This honestly doesn’t come as no surprise to me.  At this point in time, the United States is more politically divided than it has been in decades.  We see study after study that indicate that our children are more anxious and fearful than ever before.  We see it at the college level now, recently on NPR a college health center director talked about seeing much higher levels of depression and anxiety amongst college students than he has before in his 20 year career.

This political divide, extra stress and anxiety paired with both our twenty-four hour news cycle and social media make living a happy life harder and harder in our society.  There are some general tips on how to be happier, that we’ve discussed here before.  It is after all the focus of this blog, if you want to find additional articles just search through the personal happiness category in the archives on the side of the page.

Social Media

But tonight I want to focus on social media specifically.  We are all tied up in so many ways online with our social media accounts.  We have Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts, we get sucked into political discussions, get exposed to a constant stream of negative news  and inflammatory stories, afterall the more extreme and controversial the posts, the more likes sites get.  Then of course when we post, we now have to be concerned with likes and shares and comments that people post and the arguments that flare up between people who comment.  Honestly, at times it can all be too much and we have to develop strategies to protect ourselves and particularly our happiness.  And the answer is to not just unplug from the news, social media and the world.  I’ll never be someone who believes putting your head in the sand is the answer.  I’ve connected with too many old friends, and keep in touch with so many people who live far away from me, for me to ever say that social media is inherently bad.

Recently, I’ve found myself struggling a little bit, all of the negativity that gets blasted at us constantly was really bringing me down.  What got to me beyond the political divisiveness, the way people treated each other and even the negative news was that people just generally seemed miserable.  One thing that truly drives me nuts is the meme level thinking people generally apply on social media.  Everything is in absolutes, whole genders, races, religions and political beliefs are hammered with no complexity, nuance or depth of thought.  We’ve lost any semblance of empathy or compassion for anyone who isn’t just like, or at least thinks just like us.  So what’s the answer?

Again, I don’t think the answer is leaving social media.  So what I chose to do instead,  was to be far more deliberate about my social media usage.  First off, I identified where on the web I was encountering the most negativity.  For me, I really only use Twitter and Instagram to post out and not to read.  So Facebook was my biggest source.  The next step was to identify which of my friends’ pages impacted my happiness the most.  If someone only posted things that were significantly negative I unfriended them.  This happily was only a couple of people.

There were some folks whose posts weren’t necessarily always negative but posted enough that I felt like I didn’t need to see their feeds anymore but still wanted to stay connected and I utilized the option of not following them but still remaining friends.  Finally, there was a small group of friends where the decision was really difficult.  You see they are people that I really enjoy knowing what is going on in their lives, but there was enough negativity in their friend’s comments or in their posts that I needed to unfollow them as well.  I then went through my friends list to refollow folks I know who post positive stuff.  You see when I travel, like I have been in the last year, I unfollow almost everyone in order to keep my feeds manageable.

I went through this whole exercise a couple of weeks ago.  There have been a few results.  First, my feed is a bit shorter.  Second, there is far less negativity that I’m being exposed to every day.  Third, this has led to a noticeable improvement in my mood.  So all in all, I think this is something that can work to help you improve your happiness.  So my friends, take control of your social media feeds and have a happy day.  ~ Rev Kane

 

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Happiness is the Smoochy Monster

Happiness is the Smoochy Monster

Love is not singular except in syllable. ~ Marvin Taylor

burning man love

Life is a crazy and unpredictable thing, and although it is not easy to do, there often truly is a silver lining within the greyest cloud.  It was this thought recently that led me to think about my cousin who I call the Smoochy Monster.  As a young teenager my cousin was in a four-wheeler accident, nearly fatal, the resulting brain injury very much changed her and all of our lives.  The accident resulted in both physical and mental issues for my cousin; she has a bad leg and suffered a traumatic brain injury that severely impacted her memory abilities.  She has gone through some very hard times over the last two decades since her accident, but today, I want to talk about the silver lining from her accident.

The silver lining is simply that my cousin has become one of the most loving creatures on the face of the planet.  She is a hugging and kissing and loving monster, hence why I have started calling her the smooch monster.  She has also become one of those rare individuals who still writes letters, now these are not Shakespeare but they get the point across, she loves you and they are a joy to receive.

The second part of the Smoochy Monster’s personality is that she has also become the global ambassador of goodwill.  She will engage absolutely anyone with her signature, “hey babe” and start a conversation.  The most amazing thing about the Smoochy Monster is that something about her is utterly disarming, the most antisocial person folds in front of the Smoochy Monster’s charms, resulting in giving her the high-five she’s certain to request from them.  I think we should take her to the middle east and turn her loose on the Israeli’s and Palestinian’s, I believe if given the access she could create world peace.

So today a shout out and bit of love to the Smoochy Monster who has given so many a happy day my friends ~ Rev Kane

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Happiness is Coca-Cola

Happiness is Coca-Cola

20150817_132207
Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it. ~ William Feather

One of the things I crave the most while hiking on the Appalachian Trail is a cold coke.  There exists a photo of me lovingly hugging a coke machine in Fontana that I hope to show you some day.  Today, while in Atlanta, home of Coca Cola, it made sense for me to tour the World of Coke.

To be honest, the World of Coca Cola, was interesting and definitely would be fun for kids.  The exhibits also would be truly fascinating to people interested in marketing in advertising.  There are my friends, some bizarre forms and icons in the advertising world of Coke.

20150817_131536 20150817_125254 20150817_125216There were also so really cool advertising exhibits of old signs, exhibits where you could write poems about Coke or even electronically design your own bottle.  This sign was my favorite:

20150817_131241Simple and in neon, easy choice for me.

The 4-D exhibit was lousy, the 3-D images were ok, the movie a bit silly as to be expected.  However the moving seats were ridiculously, seemingly set up to jerk you around, just to jerk you around, they warn you they may hurt your back.  They truly made the exhibit unenjoyable, the little blasts of water and air were interesting effects.  But seriously, Coke has massive amounts of money, they couldn’t have designed and installed a better set of motion seats.  I wouldn’t skip it, but I’d sit in the back, non-moving row.

One thing, also predictable, but I thought was interesting, was the way Fanta was represented.  In Germany during WWII the Coke plants in Germany could not be get Coke syrup from the US.  So they searched around to find other options for producing soda, the creation was Fanta, fruit flavored sodas.  In 1955, Coke reacquired Fanta and made it part of the coke line.  Here’s how that history is covered in the World of Coca Cola exhibit:

20150817_131735All in all it was a nice way to spend an hour and a half, the tasting room is nuts by the way, 101 sodas at your disposal, one named Beverly, from Italy was particularly interesting, I leave it up to you to taste it for yourself.  A Coke fueled happy day my friends ~ Rev Kane

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Happiness is being scared senseless

Happiness is being scared senseless

happiness, fear, change

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. ~ Frank Herbert, Dune

We have been talking a lot here lately about my upcoming adventure, for those of you who are new, I’m about to quit my job and spend 6 months hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Of course this also involves selling my house, quitting my job and effectively being unemployed and homeless for the next year. Now it means being homeless and unemployed in the best way possible of course, but it is still more than a bit daunting.

happiness, change, fear

This thought hit me especially hard tonight, I’ve been in the mountains for 4 days doing some training hikes and tonight I’m sitting here watching television in a nice warm cottage, a fire in the fireplace, more than comfortable. I have my things around me, all of the comforts I could want or need, snacks in the refrigerator, restaurants only minutes away. I can make myself hotter or colder with the flick of a thermostat, have all manner of electricity and hot water at the ready.

happiness, fear, change
Come the middle of December all of that is gone, I will be driving cross country, camping a lot of nights, some of those nights will certainly be rainy and colder than I would like. There will be nights I don’t know where I’ll be sleeping. nights sleeping in the car, I’ll be camping, occasional hotel nights, staying form time to time with friends but there are no absolute set plans. There will be a lot of time where I am alone without internet contact with anyone. I know, first world problems.

happiness, fear, change
If I can be completely honest with you friends at some level this whole thing scares me senseless. And perhaps this is what makes me different, but that is the point. To hide myself away in a nice comfy little cave, in a nice comfy little job doesn’t create growth, doesn’t make me happy. Making myself thoroughly uncomfortable five years ago led to the creation of the Ministry of Happiness, it’s why the image on the site is of Cho Oyu at sunset in the Himalayas, from my last adventure.

happiness, fear, change
It is my hope a book will come out of my next adventure, some more peace, some achievement, and opportunity to spend some quality time with my nieces and nephews. It also will of course leads to things I can’t see or imagine right now, again the point of all this. Overcoming our fears is what makes us stronger, better, helps us grow into the people we hope to be someday. So I’m afraid but I’m pushing forward, getting more ready to go each day. The goal is to keep moving forward and to make happier days my friends
~ Rev Kane

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Happiness Quotes

Happiness Quotes

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As we are heading out of the holiday season, I hope you all have been doing well.  We’ve past the solstice and every day now gets a little brighter, literally.  Today’s holiday happiness post some quotes to make you think and hopefully have a happy day my friends  ~ Rev Kane

08 8 09 9 10 10 011 11 11012 12 12 013 13 13 014 14 14 01515 16 16 17 18 18 19 19 20 20

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Happiness, Simplicity & Gratitude

Happiness, Simplicity & Gratitude

By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning. ~ Lao Tzu

So lately the following image has been flying around on social networking sites:

simplify life

simplify

There is some real wisdom in this simple little sign and it’s about honesty, simplicity and gratitude.  We talk a lot here at the Ministry of Happiness about simplifying your life because complexity often leads to difficulty and problems which reduce our happiness.  Being grateful is something that allows you to have a more positive perspective on life and honesty will quite simply help you cut the through the bullshit of life.  As the sign says, if you miss someone contact them, it constantly amazes me how this simple bit of logic alludes us all at times.  All too often we sit around and wonder if someone we care about is unhappy or upset with us, but we don’t ask.  So many times when you ask that question you find out how imperfect communication is between people.

I am perhaps more keenly aware of this than others because I have always been a bit of a gypsy.  As a result, my friends and loved ones are often at a distance from me and I have to rely a lot less than other people do on the comfort of face-to-face interactions.  I can’t tell you how many times I have been misinterpreted or misinterpreted what was written in an e-mail or letter.  A quick phone call can create confusion between people because the other person is distracted on the other end of the line, no form of communication is perfect until we evolve to communicate mind-to-mind.

The answer is to just be as open and honest as you can possibly be, the people who really care about you will receive this better than you might imagine.  Be simple, take the easiest straightest path to the things you want and need in your pursuit of happiness.  Be grateful for what and who you have in your life, and for the opportunities this life presents us all.  Finally, as always, have a happy day my friends. ~ Rev Kane

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Happiness is Poetry: Trista Mateer

Happiness is Poetry: Trista Mateer

01Tonight, upon the recommendation of Ashe Vernon, I bring you the poetry of Trista Mateer.  All of the poetry I really like is fairly raw, it’s the way I write and what I like to read.  Cut open your chest let your heart spill out on the table and you have my attention.  Her work is very raw and wonderful, I’ve written parallel’s to her Instead of Writing Our Breakup Poem and I absolutely love hers, it flows through all of the raw emotions you dance through at the end.  I just bought her first book, Honeybee: Poems About Letting Go and her other book The Dogs I Have Kissed.  Giver her a read and check out her blog, it’s wonderful and have a happy day my friends. ~ Rev Kane

Untitled

You have run off and taken my anger with you.
Zeus drawing lines in the sand
with his lightning bolts
because he cannot find a reason to throw them;
I think you are a coward.
I think other poets have written this poem.
I think other men have run off the same way
but it never really feels the same;
each new absence a fresh burn.
A grazed knee. A paper cut. A plane crash.
*******************

INSTEAD OF WRITING OUR BREAKUP POEM

Part 1

Instead of writing our breakup poem.
I teach myself to make every kind of peach-themed
baked good possible. I buy four new books of poetry and
black out the poems that remind me of you.
I start feeding my Neopets again. I keep notes
on how long it takes for my succulents to die without water.
I look up the price of plane tickets from BWI
to every major city in the US. I practice packing
and unpacking suitcases.
I stop masturbating because it makes me cry.
I make bad art and keep it to myself. I make bad art and
share it with the internet.

Part 2

Instead of writing our breakup poem
I book tickets to every place in the world
that I have a friend in because I need somebody
to lean on; and so I sleep on a couch in London
a couch in Glasgow, a futon in Minneapolis,
a hotel bed in Edinburgh, a double bed in Atlanta
where I have two big windows that face the woods
and make me want to write the poem I’m trying
not to write.
I live out of a suitcase for a month and a half.
I only cry on a train once, but I cry in an Uber twice.
I tell my mother everything is fine because
everything is mostly fine.
I keep waiting for you to call me.

Part 3

Instead of writing our breakup poem
I compose different emails to you one after another and delete them all without sending anything. They’re all some variation of “I hate this and I miss you.”

S– I won an award for the poems I wrote about coffee and peaches and wanting you. I don’t know how to feel about it. I want to throw up thinking about all the new people running their hands over our love letters.

S– This is going to be the first Christmas since I was eighteen years old that I didn’t make some corny joke about waking up to find you sprawled out naked under my tree. Does it count if I make the joke early? Does it count if you never read this? I keep thinking about that year I undressed and twirled myself up in gold ribbon, put a bow on my head the same color as my lipstick, sent you photos of the unwrapping.

S– I used to have all these dreams about being pregnant in a hospital bed with you slipping your fingers through my hair and kissing the side of my face. For the last week, I’ve had this repeating dream where you’re in the hospital and they won’t let me into the room. And when I wake up, I can’t even tell myself that it’s just a dream. We both know I should be there. I should be there. I should BE there.

S–

Part 4

Instead of writing our breakup poem.
I throw out the things that remind me of you:

my green duvet cover,
that pumpkin t-shirt you used to make fun of,
four sets of lingerie.

I stare a lot at my ceiling thinking about how
I could change cities
and the ghost of your hands would still follow me
everywhere.

I change cities anyway.

Part 5

Instead of writing our breakup poem
I think a lot about absence and the heart. I test the weight of words like “foolishness” and “devotion” on my tongue. I talk too much about The One and the myth of predetermined soulmates. I yell at the stars. I play devil’s advocate with myself. I clip coupons and daydream about decorating an apartment you’ve never set foot in.

I daydream about you setting foot in it. I talk about your voice like it was my last home. Like I moved to Atlanta from YOU and not from Baltimore. Like the last house I lived in was constructed of pet names and euphemisms for sex.

In one version of this story, I think about you all the time. In another version of this story, I am already thinking about the hands of other people. Every day I have one foot in both truths.

**************************

Writer’s Relief

Listen, you have to pull it together.
There’s no use agonizing over mouths
that don’t want to open around your
name. Stop mourning the doors you left
locked and bolted. Put on the red dress.
Empty out your purse. Chase the anxiety
meds with gin. Leave your pens at home.
******************************

Taxi Cab Confession

It is always just before you close the trunk and reach for the door, that I find the right words—and then swallow them.
We’re all moving around like clock hands and I have no business asking anyone to stand still for me.
I don’t think I will ever have the nerve to ask another person to stay.
*********************************

To Myself: On the Plane

You kiss boys like you practiced on juice boxes,
always reaching for one last drop.
You kiss girls like you really believe
slow and steady is the way to win a race.
You don’t kiss your family anymore,
not even on the cheek.
The last time someone took your face in their palms,
you wanted to move into their night stand.
You wanted to curl up with your head between your legs.
You wanted to do cartwheels down the street
and never come back.
You went back; but only twice.
He talked too much about Canada in his sleep.
You thought for a while he might just have a thing
for cold weather,
but she wasn’t a country; she was a girl.
When you left, you texted him from the airport
because you’re bad at goodbyes,
and what he said made you cry your way onto the plane.
I know that it’s hard to be hard,
but you’re stronger for this.

 

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